I haven't posted in awhile. I just felt I was so past the stage of emotional rants and poems and peeves, but in giving up this blog, I also gave up somewhere to express love and gratitude. A lot has happened since. Graduation, a new and fantastic girlfriend, job disappointment and my general ups and downs. Typing this feels odd yet familiar, like how i would imagine using a typewriter might feel like. You get the words out there, but in a less than ideal almost clunky fashion.

Today I feel.. the NEED to say, and announce to whoever, about how she has just shocked me. I even had an 'inception' moment when she spoke the words that made me reflect what I was doing and with her precision tact, slapped me into looking into my mental blindspot. :) I don't get that, "oh what a fool i have been" moments much, but if i was looking into a mirror, i'd be looking at a clown. (clowns are evil btw).

Let us recap.

I really need to get off my ass with regards to being a better well-rounded person. That means reading more widely, applying more extensively, learning about industries.

I need to affirm and be affirmative with what i want and the things i believe in. Pacifying is NOT a way out. On that note, tact and delivering the proper information to the right people to create the "Ideal" situation should always be at the back of my mind. Leave the right tracks, and the train will follow, so to speak.

I need to believe that honest communication will prevail and take us where we need to go. Being mindful of course that women speak with a host of diabolical traps and snares, beneath that are loving caring intentions.

She is love, a great one. One I hope to never lose.

with that I give you, my first post in 7 months. :)

Everyday presents itself, a lesson, maybe more.
All we have to do, is be open enough to receive it.
They reach and speak to us in the most profound
of ways, jerking our every being and shaking our
perspectives. They may not always be wrapped
neatly in a little package, some might even take
lots of deep searching, but they hold the key to
groundedness.

"Always Remember", "Never Forget"

I love words like these. They sound a tad young and foolhardy, but I don't think they are. Events that shape us, moments in life, the people we love and those that love us. I even remember saying to myself how I wanted to get that tattooed on my chest, over my heart.

I remember.. what it feels like to blog. To spread my feelings and insight onto a page for me, just for me. And it feels a little foreign, and jerky, but also reminds me and pulls me back into self reflection.

"Being still and doing nothing are two very different things."

There are times when we should, no we must.. be still. And quieten the thoughts that run us, the voices that scare us, and our own voice. Deep breaths and quiet spaces, empty minds make for a peaceful heart. Be still racing heart, anger, fear and doubt never accomplished anything.

Be still racing heart.

Revelation..

Maybe saying " I'm not afraid anymore.", and embracing
the future is what I need to deal with it and move on.. :)

I recently looked through some old posts on my other blog.
Its mostly angry rants and emo scribbles.. but one post in
particular caught my eye. It starts out by saying that

"Life is not a spectator sport, and we are in the game
whether we like it or not."

That struck a chord. It reminds me that I need to be willing
to put myself out there more and seize the day. So lets
give it our all, whatever it may be, for that must truly be the
best way to live life.

Inspiration comes fast, leaves its mark and dissipates quickly if not captured.. :)

How apt, that they call it falling in love. The sensation of being in the moment and having the world slowly just fall away. When you hold on tight and allow yourself to plunge, holding your breath and praying it lasts for an eternity. Eyes closed you know, it feels pure, whole, the way God intended. Those feelings and emotions are what we can now and forever hold as true to our hearts, because they are as earnest and truthful as you will ever come across.

B.C

Today i can't seem to get my words out right, to flow as they should, to carry the intentions they mean. It never fails to sidewind me and knock me back a few paces. Without going too deep into it all, let me just say, "Happy Birthday boy, a quarter century in and the time is now. So look forward to the future."

Today I step back and give thanks. Every bone and muscle, cell and fiber, a part of you. For all you have given to me and this family. I wonder if me, the son who fell furthest from the tree, who made you worry the most, and who seemed the most distant, is the one who holds on the dearest.


Did the fact that it fell so close to my birthday scar me..? Maybe, but it isn't anyone's fault. :)

It doesn't matter though. You will always, always, have that spot in my heart. Happy Anniversary Dad.

Andrew

I was thinking about it today. About how it sounded almost too good to be true. I must say, I have nothing but respect and admiration for him. Its rare that I meet people who make me start questioning myself so such a deep level. Things like, "Do I put my needs ahead of others too often?", "Am I doing all I can to care for the ones I love?", "Have my prior conceptions that there is no place in this world for Mr Nice been wrong all along?". He is altruistic, selfless, an all-round nice guy and his name is Menghui.. Who knows, he might just be the chinese jesus.. :)


Its always interesting when someone is able to send your head reeling off course to self discovery. Me thinks there is alot to take away and ponder. Time to sit down with a beer and make some tweeks.

It must be hard, fuck, it must be so hard. When all you want to do is fall to the floor on your knees and break down. Cover your eyes and curse the world and what it stole from you. It must be hard. Faces walk past with tears uncontrollably streaming, eyes glazed over. With each passerby, I feel my heart being pulled further and further to the ground, all leading up to the point where we embrace and I feel your sorrow. As you sob into my shoulder, I try to find the words to say, but they don't mean nearly as much as simply silently letting you share your angst and pain. All the questions begin to flood in, the "Ifs-and-buts" and "what-ifs" and "if-onlys", till all you want, all you really want is for the ranting to stop. It must be hard, and I'm so sorry.

I gaze outward through the falling pitter patter of raindrops,
clear as day as they slide down my window pane. I always
thought that rain was the heavens way of giving the earth a
shower. So things can be clean and new, refreshed and nourished.
Its more than just great weather to sleep in to. Its upliftingly beautiful.

My word for the year, no, for the decade is "resolve". Along with my bunch of things like, being present to the things around me and earnestly intending for having things I want to have happen, happen. Just some of the things I do if you don't already know. Its a mental thing.. :)

The more and more I think about it, the more it grows on me. It's a strong word that invokes commitment, steadfastness and an almost unrivaled confidence. Saying it out loud in the manner, "I resolve to.....", it could be feed my monkey, or score straight A's, bake a pineapple upside-down cake, just conjures the personal commitment from oneself and puts it out there.

So there it is, a word I love to make me do the things I normally don't want to. :) Peace!

Memories memories bring me back as I mentally gnaw and slowly tear apart the imagery. What did I really expect from the encounter? A heartfelt reunion or a Korean drama sequence? Clear to see that fate has drawn the lines of our lives not to run together, and so it shall not. What am I looking to see? I suppose acknowledgment. Of a time and moment. And I can do without closure, but it would have been nice to talk.

I really need to learn to not put things aside so much anymore, it is really the time to grab the bull by the horns, so to speak. I never explicitly said it, but my new years resolution is to be more assertive and to be in better physical condition.

Which means..... doing the things I have to do instead of spending so much time on the computer and lazing in front of the tele, and doing my regular exercise. I COULD cut down on the drinking as well... but.. Nahhhh...

So I've gotta look at updating my CV, and hitting the gym more often. Going for regular runs and all that Hu-ka jazz hokie pokie malarkey. I just need to be more disciplined. Spanking anyone..? ;)

What... don't give me that look... I said be more assertive and fit, not be less cheeky.

Let the Good Times Roll..

I have never been one for chocolates,
but if anything best describes the past 2 weeks,
it would have to be BitterSweet.

I feel blessed and most of all fortunate to have found
someone who thinks, feels and acts on the same level as
I do. And on my part Elated to be able to reciprocate the
same kinds of affections.

Sure, distance and timing don't make it the ideal patch
of soil, but patience, perseverance and hard work will pay
off for a bountiful harvest. I.E., Farmville.. ;)

I should be sad, but my happiness Super-seeds that. The past
few weeks have really been an absolute joy and distance or not,
I'm determined to let the good times roll.

I have faith. :)

B.C.

Shards of white illuminate the room and the lucent beams cast shadows on the objects below. The shades dance against the walls, wavering ever so slightly as if they were puppets in a play. He waits and wonders, thinks and ponders, waiting for the morning to steal him away from the vivid dreams and loving conversations, leaving him without the companion of another.

The daybreak comes and he is pulled from the comforts he now holds so dear and has now come to be accustomed. The world stops for no man, but he stumbles and realizes now that the sun never really steals the dream, it merely borrows it for the day, to return it in entirety when the night falls. In saying it he makes it real, and in that he takes solace and hope, ready to face the day and whatever challenges await.

For now he looks forward to the nights, his love and the future..

If you know anything about anything at all about me, you will know my heroes. They are passionate and eloquent, and thirst to know of the world and themselves. Where enrichment and fulfillment come from experiences big and small, that touch, move and eventually mold you. It is about change.

Show me the sights and sounds, smells and tastes of who you are. Tell me stories of history and the day-to-day. Who are you? So that instead of living in my micro-cosmic world, with glass walls. That I might share a glimpse of a world, a life, and a time other than my own and apply it to mine. To be more humble, worldly and become a citizen of the world, because clearly, I have a long way to go.

So I step out of the shower and looked myself in the mirror. I'm still a little drippy as you can imagine and as I towel off I look at my shoulders and wonder to myself what they carry (figuratively of course).

Do big ambitions and more specifically mine equate to guaranteed success. I see classmates and friends who are so absolutely hungry for the career, hungry for the success. Here is my question, does desire in its varying levels determine the resultant level of success?

The two sides of the coin presented are that

1.) On many occasions it falls back to purely having proper business sense peppered with the right luck at the right time.

and

2.) The foundation on the flip side being that "Necessity is the mother of invention", and that "A dog is most dangerous when backed in a corner." You get what I'm getting at.

I myself like to take the stand that on some cosmic level it will all unfold as it was written. But then again it could just be the voices in my head masked by insecurities telling me that since I am too afraid to try and fail that I should leave it in the hands of a "so-called" Higher Power. So having isolated the thoughts, we proceed to the all important "Where do we go from here?". Thoughts examined and not acted upon are worth little more than a hand-full of beans, but i need to clarify these thoughts. Deep seeded insecurity? or Lack of Motivation?

Contemplation shall tell all..

I watch a lot of Tv, and a lot of my blog entries basically spur from hearing something insightful and relate able and letting my thoughts run due discourse down the cobbled path. Now that being said I
realize that my past few posts might have come off as overly.. how do I put this.. serious and somewhat angsty. Believe me, I don't like reading them much either, but that aside I think it is important I go back to posting about insightful enlightening things in hope that it brings a breath of welcoming uplifting fresh air to you, the reader.

What I've noticed is that the "unhappy" posts are really just the voices in my head going off and rambling about my gripes and whatnot. I want nothing more than to let you ponder the questions and make you feel empowered in the course of my posts. So there, Lets get back to posting hearty insightful, grounded posts. :)

Okay I don't think this is at ALL insightful but it might move you anyways. You know what I really miss about being with someone? I miss holding them to sleep (By them i mean ONE partner, not numerous) . For me, there is a wonderful feeling of security and warmth in holding someone and dreaming side-by-side, noses touching and sharing breaths. Having them gaze at you and smile while the Rhythmic heart beats and kisses on the forehead send them off to slumber before falling asleep myself.

That I miss..

It occurred to me today in class while I was struggling to focus on the discussion that I am essentially very Utilitarian. I have the habit of instinctively questioning the motives and reasons for which people say or do things, and it irks me when they serve no overall purpose or if the objective is trivial. Saying something vague and cliche to sound intelligent, or purely for the sake of being heard, is an example of this and falls under one of my major pet peeves. I DO pride myself on being able to weed out peoples real intentions quite quickly and accurately, maybe because it has become all too easy to spot those who really have nothing to contribute except hot air and their own bloated images of self worth.

It seems in my world of reasoning, what it all boils down to really is what function and purpose does the action serve and do the entailing actions follow suit. Having said that, I can't help but wonder if my objectivity acts as a constraint to personal growth. I don't mean to put anyone on ice when they are around me, but I do feel that people who are true to themselves and what they stand for should not and will not feel worried or at all uncomfortable.

But before you dub me a stiff robotic heartless being, let me just say that this side of me only and I DO mean only, comes to play with regards to work. Of course play in itself is an entirely different matter. :)

There you go. My self discovery for the month checked off..