It's so Dark

Its about 7.30am.. and i just got back from zacks place..
i had a pretty rough night.. and... things happened..
If i haden't listened to my music all the way home..
i might have died from the rantings in my head..

Now my knuckles are bleeding.. and it hurts..
but.. sumhow.. not enough...
externalising is one of the way i deal with it..
I'm just gonna sae it.. i think of her all the time..
and it kills me knowing that i'm not gonna be
that to her which she is to me.. when i said it didn't hurt..
i was lyingthrough my teeth..
i'm so sorri i had 2 lie.. i'm glad you could tell..

but us both being sad woulden't have helped..
last night i was so full of alcohol and shit..
i actualli believed what i said.. *sigh* that it didn't hurt...
and for awhile the fabrication held.. but
silly me.. making a hopelss attempt at phsycotherapy..
i pride myself on handling pain.. i've done it all my life..
but.. i actualli had a tear run down my cheek..

as the alcohol faded.. reality set in.. and..
and.. i'm so upset with myself.. that i could have had..
something that means so much to me..
if i had only.. oh if i had only..
i think i'm the most scared that i can't stop caring..
i... i... i can't..

i'm so annoyed that.. it so easily could have swung my way..
and that.. well.. i.. i feel.. like my chance was just
pulled from under me like a rug.. so is life huh.. haha
How close i was to being with the girl of my dreams..
to have it all slip away.. is all.. very surreal..

i'm so... so.. confused.. i don't wanna hear ANYTHING now..
not from anyone.. please... please..
don't tell me how to feel or what to do..
i have questions.. and i need answers..