Monday, November 09, 2009

If you know anything about anything at all about me, you will know my heroes. They are passionate and eloquent, and thirst to know of the world and themselves. Where enrichment and fulfillment come from experiences big and small, that touch, move and eventually mold you. It is about change.

Show me the sights and sounds, smells and tastes of who you are. Tell me stories of history and the day-to-day. Who are you? So that instead of living in my micro-cosmic world, with glass walls. That I might share a glimpse of a world, a life, and a time other than my own and apply it to mine. To be more humble, worldly and become a citizen of the world, because clearly, I have a long way to go.

Tuesday, November 03, 2009

So I step out of the shower and looked myself in the mirror. I'm still a little drippy as you can imagine and as I towel off I look at my shoulders and wonder to myself what they carry (figuratively of course).

Do big ambitions and more specifically mine equate to guaranteed success. I see classmates and friends who are so absolutely hungry for the career, hungry for the success. Here is my question, does desire in its varying levels determine the resultant level of success?

The two sides of the coin presented are that

1.) On many occasions it falls back to purely having proper business sense peppered with the right luck at the right time.


2.) The foundation on the flip side being that "Necessity is the mother of invention", and that "A dog is most dangerous when backed in a corner." You get what I'm getting at.

I myself like to take the stand that on some cosmic level it will all unfold as it was written. But then again it could just be the voices in my head masked by insecurities telling me that since I am too afraid to try and fail that I should leave it in the hands of a "so-called" Higher Power. So having isolated the thoughts, we proceed to the all important "Where do we go from here?". Thoughts examined and not acted upon are worth little more than a hand-full of beans, but i need to clarify these thoughts. Deep seeded insecurity? or Lack of Motivation?

Contemplation shall tell all..

Thursday, October 29, 2009

I watch a lot of Tv, and a lot of my blog entries basically spur from hearing something insightful and relate able and letting my thoughts run due discourse down the cobbled path. Now that being said I
realize that my past few posts might have come off as overly.. how do I put this.. serious and somewhat angsty. Believe me, I don't like reading them much either, but that aside I think it is important I go back to posting about insightful enlightening things in hope that it brings a breath of welcoming uplifting fresh air to you, the reader.

What I've noticed is that the "unhappy" posts are really just the voices in my head going off and rambling about my gripes and whatnot. I want nothing more than to let you ponder the questions and make you feel empowered in the course of my posts. So there, Lets get back to posting hearty insightful, grounded posts. :)

Okay I don't think this is at ALL insightful but it might move you anyways. You know what I really miss about being with someone? I miss holding them to sleep (By them i mean ONE partner, not numerous) . For me, there is a wonderful feeling of security and warmth in holding someone and dreaming side-by-side, noses touching and sharing breaths. Having them gaze at you and smile while the Rhythmic heart beats and kisses on the forehead send them off to slumber before falling asleep myself.

That I miss..

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

It occurred to me today in class while I was struggling to focus on the discussion that I am essentially very Utilitarian. I have the habit of instinctively questioning the motives and reasons for which people say or do things, and it irks me when they serve no overall purpose or if the objective is trivial. Saying something vague and cliche to sound intelligent, or purely for the sake of being heard, is an example of this and falls under one of my major pet peeves. I DO pride myself on being able to weed out peoples real intentions quite quickly and accurately, maybe because it has become all too easy to spot those who really have nothing to contribute except hot air and their own bloated images of self worth.

It seems in my world of reasoning, what it all boils down to really is what function and purpose does the action serve and do the entailing actions follow suit. Having said that, I can't help but wonder if my objectivity acts as a constraint to personal growth. I don't mean to put anyone on ice when they are around me, but I do feel that people who are true to themselves and what they stand for should not and will not feel worried or at all uncomfortable.

But before you dub me a stiff robotic heartless being, let me just say that this side of me only and I DO mean only, comes to play with regards to work. Of course play in itself is an entirely different matter. :)

There you go. My self discovery for the month checked off..

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Just my usual Rant and Banter..

I can't help but feel a little jaded now and again.
Maybe its the occasional realization about
how hard it is to find a nice girl out there. One who
is smart, and not overly demanding. Spontanious
and out going. Clingyness is also a big nono. Of course
its more complicated than that and the requirement
list goes on for several more pages. But it doesn't stray
much from the norm, for instance

sweet, easy going, intelligent, must like the occasional party,
pretty, good dress sense, street smart, extroverted, down
to earth.

I don't think thats outrageous in the least. There must be a
tonne of girls out there who fulfill these requirements, just
that they happen to be missing from MY social circle..

Ah well.. i shall leave my grumbling at that...

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Someday I will be the man..

that sees the world from one spot, but has all the right views.

who achieves all ambition, through conviction in his actions.

who understands clearly where the lines are drawn and to acts accordingly.

who knows that his power is in guiding and nurturing others and should not be abused.

who understands that no matter how important the individual, the world still goes on without him.

who never forgets that everything can be gained and lost in a day.

and I want to be that man someday

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

i have been meaning to blog...
about what... hmm, i'm not too sure..
i'll get to it soon when inspiration hits me..

Friday, July 17, 2009

The Zero Sum Game

The traditional economic theorists brought around the concept of the zero sum game, one where there is ultimately only one person who wins and one who loses in the realm of world trade. Now, while I doubt these economists were experts in love, I must admit I do believe in the concept of there is a right and wrong way to do things, especially when it comes to love. I believe that there are people who are doing it right and those who are doing it wrong but are too stupid to know otherwise.

Here is the all important secret twist, if you will. Doing it right will not lead to success with Mr Wrong, and doing it wrong with Mr Right actually might. Boggles the mind with one more way to succeed and one more to fail. :) I see prime examples and this is where my revelation actually stems from, on my msn and facebook friends lists. People who in my opinion are HORRIBLE couples or who are just irritating to begin with actually being happy with someone else. And it amazes me, honestly it does. People who make me go, "This person with THIS person? Great, just what we need, ANOTHER irritating couple to annoy the world!". But its funny how this world works and things seem to work out for them.

So to wrap things up. Maybe love is not the zero sum game I initially thought it to be. That there are happy couples, even though they may not be the brightest, or most lovable people on the planet. Instances of, it may not be perfect, but we are happy do exitst in the relam of strange love. And while i may not FULLY approve to that I say, well done. There is no right or wrong in love, merely those which work, and those which don't.

Friday, July 03, 2009

I've realized that i think of weird things at weird times of the day..
Don't believe me? take these on for instance..

Couple of nights back I was lying in bed at 3am in the morning trying
to sleep, and it crossed my mind that in Mas lows Hierarchy of
needs, my brother ken need only be on the bottom level. As quoted
by him, but rephrased by me in a manner less crude.

"All i need in life is sexual companionship and booze."

It's pretty apparent which parts i have adjusted for the sake of keeping
my blog smut free for you readers. :) So we can narrow ken's needs
in life to one, the need for inebriation and 2, the need for well you
get the picture.

Second strange thought at a strange place. Whilst taking a piss before
class today I wondered if every belief that i had about what love
should be was wrong and if maybe, just maybe everyone else had the
right idea. Of course this intriguing cerebral brainstorm in front of the
urinal lasted the whole of a minute and a half before i was done and
washed my hands before promptly heading to class.

Just the random thoughts that litter my day.. :)

Monday, June 08, 2009

My posts come few and far between these days only
because of the usual school and work.

Ken and I were at the Ngee Ann track for a run after school
and on the track were this dad and his 2 sons running laps.
Dad was teaching his sons about how to run and making them
do timed circuits. I thought of dad, and how he loved to run.
I stopped and superimposed a memory created in my head of
"If that were me and ken with dad".
I smiled and the scene continued to unfurl in my recesses.
How great it would be and how happy we would a feel to share a
moment, us, just the guys. As the mental thread wore on, my
smile grew heavy into a sense of guilt and longing, bringing me
back to that oh so familiar feeling that comes around every once
in a while but never, ever really leaves. The one that really boils
down to this.

" Time is a commodity no one has enough of. Live and love those
around you with an unbridled passion. For it is when our times
are over, that the memories are worth more than this world
can offer."

The feeling of guilt and longing still stop by whenever I catch a
glimpse of what could or might have been. But i don't really mind.
They remind me of his life, and that i need to live mine.

Monday, May 18, 2009

2 A's and 2 A-'s. *Shrugs*, not my best work but
given how slack I've been this semester, I'd say
I did alright. Gonna do better this sem. :)

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

I know that when it comes to exam periods and busy busy
times of my life, I get grumpy and complain that I wish
I could do more of the things I wanted to like playing guitar
or blogging.

Well here is the deal, I've partied out last week AND worked
hard as well, so you don't take me for a complete slacker. =)
And I've spent the last 2 days pretty much bumming around the
house, playing guitar and well.. Blogging. And when it all boils
down to it, its been a pretty terrible boring 2 days innit..?

And the lesson to take away boys and girls..? Being busy might
not be the most fun thing at the point in time, but the rewards
make it worth the time and effort. Also, taking a break and doing
nothing can be awesome.... .. .. in small doses...

Let me see, Let me see.. What do i have lined up..?
School, work, giving tuition, and driving..
that sounds about right don't you think? :)

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Watching "No Reservations" on tv is one of my guilty pleasures..
Even when repeated episodes come on, I sit intently soaking up
every quick quip and insightful comment Anthony Bourdain conjures.
And through the episode, I search for insight to apply to my own life
and my view of the world. Like how passion for life and living is a
function of being curious to know more of the world. And how, through
travel and opening our horizons we truly find out not how big the world
is, but how small we are in it.

He really is one of my heroes.
And i think one of the reasons that IS, is because I see parts of myself in
him. Cynical and bitter, but with the taste for adventure and ability to appreciate
both the fine and simple things in life with an undaunted passion.

Moving on..

My constant hectic lifestlye has caused this post to be long overdue. And
its just one of those things that have been buzzing at the back of my head
for the last 2 months or so. I am beginning to question my take on commitment.
I think my recent dating and relationship history presents a pattern of
me distancing myself whenever things get too serious. Truth of the matter is
that I cannot put myself back in the place of a serious relationship and haven't
been able to for the longest time.

I don't know if that should be a cause for any concern, but on the same note it
is a little unsettling. With that said, I look forward to relishing this coming break,
especially after dragging my brain through last semesters modules.

The night will belong to us, and only us,
if it is meant to be.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Funny how the most profound of messages
reaches us in the most unusual of ways.

Some of us are born eyes shunned down.
Others sat on ledges, gazing into the vista.
And while you were busy, eyes focused on the ground.
Our eyes were looking straight to the sky,
for we knew we could fly.

Sometimes it really isn't about dreaming..
its about knowing.

Wednesday, April 08, 2009

Its been HOW long since my last lovely post..?
i'm guessing a month or so.. Cat got my tongue?
Or has the unimaginable finally happened and
i have said all i have to say.

Lucky for you its Neither.

Just been working too hard and studying too much.
I really need to get out of Singapore...
travel, work and study.. see the world outside of
this microcosm of an island.

Monday, March 02, 2009

Sink away from the thumping beats
into the soothing sounds of harmonic
guitar melodies, dashed with fantasy
and just the slightest bit of melancholy.

Take off the big personality and hang it
on the clothes rack, to just be stripped
and silent. Troubles and worries out
of the pocket and onto the dresser counter,
till nothing more than a blank slate remains.

As the music enshrouds, and the chords take
you on a roller coaster ride in the universe of
your mind, remember what it feels like to
be carried away for the first time,

to love for the first time.

I need to remind myself that i'm done.
really, i know what this road leads to,
i've been down similar tracks. And all
the signs seem the same. I know better
but i know me and i'll still go against
better judgment and give it a shot.
One last shot and i'll walk away.

Friday, February 27, 2009

Time for a post..? *scratches head* yah sure why not..
Had a pretty relaxed day at work, although it is apparent
that staff and management are at loggerheads. Which
leaves me stuck in the middle trying to do the right thing
and not step on any toes.

On a separate note, i'm feeling increasingly torn as to how
i should deal with the OTHER state of affairs. It seems to
me that I should just go with the flow, but doing so leaves
matters out of my hands. Anyway there are no right and
wrong ways with these things. All i do require is straight-forward
honesty and communication.

Anyway i shall sleep on it and do my assignments in the morning
before heading to work.. fais de beaux rĂªves everyone

Sunday, February 15, 2009

Let me be the one you look for to rest your weary head,
when things seem way to heavy and you want to go to bed.
The hours pass and it starts to get bright,
You wake up in the morning and I'm right there by your side.
And when you cry and all the pressure gets to you.
I'll hug you tight and say "Babe, there's nothing you can't do".

"I'm just a fucked up girl trying to find her own peace of mind"
From Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.

Aren't we all clementine? Aren't we all.

"How happy is the blameless vestal's lot.
The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!
Each prayer accepted, and each wish resigned."

Friday, February 13, 2009

Work, Study, Rinse, Repeat....

Been busy the last couple of days checking stuff off my
insurmountable "Things to do List". Which oddly enough
seems to keep growing instead of shortening.
*Scratches Head* Go figure..

5.02Am in the morning and I've decided take a break from
the arduous mugging and video lecture marathon, to strum
out some songs on the guitar and make a quick post.

So I hope you'll put up with my nonsensical and often
melancholic banter. I've noticed the relationships I have a tendency to
fall for or get involved with are always somewhat complicated.
Now before I start getting hate mail and death threats from
anyone, Hear me Out... :)

The onus is on me here and I'm not saying that the individual is
difficult. The context is purely the interaction and basis of the 2
individuals, more so than the one. At point of time you are
probably banging your head and about to throw a fit.
In Simple English..? If I make smarter choices i can avoid the
complications and getting burned...

Now back to the videos..
"where did i leave my popcorn...?"

Sunday, January 25, 2009

As far as relationships go...

I can safely say that I take a very diplomatic
approach to most things in life, be it work,
school, family or any other conundrum. And
love certainly is no exception.

Let me be very clear, in no way do I see myself
as any sort of authority on the subject, however
I do understand that each relationship is different
and in turn has its different set of needs. Find one
where both parties needs are satisfied and Bingo.

Before you deem me wishy washy, sitting on the
fence or overtly simplistic, let me elaborate. The
premise of relationships should be on a clearly drawn
yes or no basis, which means, no maybes. The answers
may change with time, but still always be black and
white. Complication is the enemy. A big bad enemy
which more often than not leads to late nights
of sobbing and wallowing in too many unanswered

I'm no Nazi, I know I make relationships sound about
as exhilarating as reading from the telephone book, but
trust me, they are all about having fun, and having that
great connection. With all that said, I can whole heartedly
say that, As far as relationships go, I know nuts...

It's 7am, and if you don't mind, my bed beckons..
I bid you Adieu.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Juggling work and school commitments has never
been this taxing. Its the second week and already I
feel like i'm lagging behind in my readings and catching
up on my lectures. I can't seem to get my internal
clock to tune in to normal hours because of work.

Don't get me wrong, I like a good read..

But recently it's been looking more like this...

Readings await...
and i'm just teeming with excitementtt........

Oh and i've been watching "how i met your mother"
recently.. Alyson Hannigan.. HOT....

Friday, January 09, 2009

I think now is an appropriate time for a post.
what about, i'm not too sure. So lets start with
the recent going ons in my life.

School is about to start and i'll still be working
part time at bar none. And giving tuition to
Brian on Wednesdays. Gotta pay the bills if you
know what i mean.

Although late, i've made my appeal to finish my
final semester at buffalo. *fingers crossed*

I've just got back from a 10 day long trip to
Taiwan with the family. Which was somewhat
tedious as mom wanted to spend more time
traveling up and down the country to see
natural scenery whilst i wanted to spend
my time shopping, drinking and stuffing my face,
All at the same time if possible. But with all
trips, it is a good getaway from the daily
monotony and grind, so i shalt not complain.

Now on to the deep stuff.
Ken quoted something we once saw in a tv show.
Its a dash crude so i'll put it nicely. It is about
taking your man or women idol off the pedestal.
To often we put the ones we long for on a high
pedestal. Wondering how perfect it would be if..
how great, funny or intelligent he or she is.. and
how nobody else compares.. It resonated in me,
and if you are going through that, then i should in
you too. the reality of the situation is that we need
to not be hung up over losses in love. i know i have
been in the past and i still am, so i know what it
fells like. Do whatever it takes, cuz the world still
goes on.