Monday, March 29, 2004

okay.. this is like 3 posts in one.. well 2 posts and a cruddy poem..


Aiight... ever since this blog has started..
not too long ago.. i've posted a hell of alotta stuff.
Ups and Downs.. poems.. lyrics.. Songs.. u name it
and well i like it.. but as many of you know..
i'm enlisting for ns on wed... the 31st of march..

I've heard alot of stuff about ns recently..
and personally i think physically i'll be okay..
but man.. its gonna suck my freedom empty..
*sigh*.. so is the life of a HERO like myself..
GIVING my time so all the other lazy bastards can sleep safe..
damn.. i wanna be a lazy bastard.. hahax..

Gone will be the daes of lazing at home..
chilling with the fellas at 7-11..
throwing down sick tricks while skating..
Clubbing with my usual pals..
laffing it up with my close frenx...

BUT Ns will probably be cool.. and i can take a mental holidae..
thinking solider my ass.. u say jump and i say how high man..
so simply put.. fuck it... lets do this shit..
To everyone that comes here.. thanks.. appreciate it
tag the board & i'll get back to you..
If i feel like it.. hahax.. Wish me luck..

Aunt andrew(aunt aggy)

*sigh* i see so many friends with so many problems..
girl probs.. guy problems.. keeping up with studies..
family problems.. drinking .. smoking...
i think one realli big regret.. is that.. i want to..
but i can't help anymore.. not that i physically can't..
but i just wanna stop.. i hate breeding dependency..
i'm so sorry... everyone dun depend on me please..
i may sound like i know the answers but i don't..
i can't carry all of your pain..
i have my own problems to deal with..
i'll always be here guiding.. watching your backs..
but that's about all i can do now.. watch..
In the words of ozzy oursbourne..
"i love you all.. i love you more than life itself..
But ur all Fucking mad.."
haha.. alight.. please deal with ur problems..
for each fall helps us learn something new...
and don't crumble even if the weight of the world is on your shoulders..
remember that tmr is a new day..
and i ALWAYS check on my patients.. *grin*..

tell me... someone tell me..

Our lives once held such lusture and shine..
a flash.. and it was as if the world spun slower..
time seemed to stand still as it fell from our hands
against the Harsh and shattered in 2..
one half for me and the other.. for you
2 halves seperated.. leaving behind a cloud of dust..
it blinds your eyes so you don't know how 2 see..
it binds your heart so you don't know how 2 feel..
My half senses a deeper longing in you..
your mind screams.. but your lips can't say it..
Its just not the way u saw it would be..
but i've been wrong before.. and i don't trust myself..
and i made up my mind.. to find out for myself..
thats why 4 in the morning..
feeling ur presence that day.. felt warm..
i coulden't help but miss it.. Knowing that u never left..
So Close to being just memories in each others worlds.. ghosts..
Of all the times i've had the answer.. i wish i had it now..
Angels send me a sign upon ur wings..
This Dark Angel asks only for deliverance..
Shed Some light into My Abyss..
For the sacrament is you.

As for Tonight..
Sweet child of mine.. i do like you so..
So torn apart in 2 directions..
What am i to do with these feelings..?
but the time and place are just not to be..
To each our lives.. our roads my cross..
Where do we go.. from here on out..
step by step.. i have no doubt..
take my hand and walk by my side..
i know ur scared.. the same as me..
Feel your fears melt away..
For there is a light at the end of this tunnel..
and a prayer to answer all of our troubles..

Sunday, March 28, 2004

Its been too long...

Listening to my happy music... Foo Fighters "Learn to fly"..
loved their music since secondary.. and what a great song...
and a great way to end the day too.. *deep breath*..
Ahhh.... man that felt good...

I haven't felt so spent and happy in a long time..
Started with mom draggin my consiousless body out of bed for church..
8.30 mass man~! wad the hell..! i slept at 4.30 am..
wad ever happened to 10.oo mass~!*grinx*
anyway.. confession time... haven't been to mass in like 2 months..
And that Vibe i felt in church actualli felt really good today..
just Spending time with with mom and ken was nice..
altho.. they WERE mostly day dreaming..
ken was dozing off.. mom was looking out the window..
Strangest thing.. when we held hands before communion..
moms grip on my left hand was like a vice...
my fingers were actually turning purpleish...
and she didn't even notice till she saw my face grimicing in pain..
Guess she realli misses her soon to be army boy...
i stayed back in church after everyone left..
called in a few favours with the big guy up top... *grin*
talked to him about being sorry for making mistakes..
and i went to see dad's niche..
had a silent one on one moment with dad..
told him i'd be fine.. & that i'd try to make him proud..
i missed him pretty bad.. but.. didn't say anything..
didn't wanna cause a scene

We had lunch.. and me and ken went 2 starbucks for coffee after..
talked about girls.. skating.. and girls.. and skating.. haha..
i'm realli gonna miss him.. i guess.. more than he'll know..
then off 2 Spitfire.. we both bought new decks.. i REALLY needed one..
Been using the dynasty for like.. FOREVER.. still like it tho..
Anyway came home to skate the day away..~~
wan came over and he helped me work on some tricks..
my eternal gratitude.. inspiration to a great day of skating...
i managed a nollie 50-50.. fakie 50-50... heelflips.. kickflips..
noseslide to fakie... nosegrind.. 5-0.. nollie down stairs.. and a crappy tailslide..
i haven't pushed so hard since ever.. must be the new deck...*grin*

All this followed by a wholesome hearty family dinner of chilli crab..
hahax.. and i really stuffed myself.. hmmx..
and if a hungry man is an angry man then...~
no wonder i'm so happy..~!

However.. some issues still bounce in my head..
i've been telling myself not to "play" around anymore..
but as of late the opportunities keep popping up..
and i'd be lying if i said i wasn't tempted..
Guess old habits die hard huh...?
but.. i told the guys i woulden't anymore.. so..
u guys better be freakin greatful man..!
cuz it sucks~..
and well.. i read something.. and honestly..
i'm a lil stumped.. confused.. boggled..
whatever u wanna call it.. its not something sad.. per sae..
just that i'm not sure.. cuz i want to.. but.. well..
ALRIGHT...! i can honestly say that this~
is the most vague passage in blog... EVER~!
u can see how confused i am about this..

ANYWAY i've rattled on long enough... i need to think and
rest up... will miss EVERY single one when i go ns..

"Hold on..
feeling like i'm headed for a..
break down..
and i don't know why..

i'm not crazy i'm just a little unwell..
i know right now you can't tell..
but stay awhile and maybe then you'll see..
a different side of me.."

Call me reminescent.. but i do think about the past alot..
Sometimes.. too much for my own good..
not that nostailga is a bad thing..
but holding on to too many memories,
weighs heavily on lifes long journey..

Back to the title.. i kinda realised that.. strangly..
and this only applies to love intrests mind you..
but.. Sometimes i feel like a sade. Or a ghost..
Have you ever seen something so real u swear its there..
and a moment later it just fades into nothingness..

sometimes i feel all past love intrests start and end that way..
when i'm optimistic i realli give it my all..
but when things end or get messy..
i fade into obscurity.. into the darkness..
Slinking into a corner.. quiet as a mouse..
mostly without a goodbye or take care..
i guess.. in a way having me out of their lives..
makes things easier for them as well as me..
maybe i'm a bad person for deserting them..
Its just how i deal with getting hurt by this stuff..
the whole out of sight.. out of mind rule..
It saves me Some heartache..

Well not that much of this matters..
just a stupid observation..
with army coming up i tend to stone and think alot..
silly me..
Here are Some lyrics from a song i like..

"And loves light bloom,
Lead me be you.
Through all the emptiness that had become my home.
And love's life cruel,
Introduced me with you.
And at that moment I knew I was out of hope.

Heal me,
I begged and love said no.
Leave me,
for dead and let me go.
Kill me,
I cried and love said no.
Kill me,
I cried and love said no."
H.I.M."And love said no"