Saturday, March 27, 2004

Buried alive by Love By H.i.m

"Again the burden of losing rests upon my shoulders.
And its weight seems unbearable.
Your tomb is where your heart is,
I should have told her
But within me hid a secret so terrible.

To cry is to know that you're alive.
But my river of tears has run dry.
I never wanted to fool you, no
But a cold heart is a dead heart,
And it feels like I've been buried alive by love.

If I should die before I wake,
Pray no one my soul to take.
If I wake before I die,
Rescue me with your smile"

omg.. fucking good song.. Love metal..~! \m/
a must listen.. yah in my opinion anyway.. well just for anyone who feels like it la..
eh.. not tt this has anything to do with the 'thing' haha..
i'm realli getting over it.. tired of giving a fuck.. trying to let it pass.. and realised tt..
that.. i no longer want.. *grin* serously.. i'm numbed about it all..
Love just ain't my thing.. i'm a player.. always have been..
blasted my ears out with H-I-M todae at hmv..
then over 2 skate park.. suprise suprise...
youth park stage was full of cj jc1's.. and several familiar jc3's too..
well.. if anything.. Life feels good listening to goth love metal..
i think.. its very much ... me.. under my skin..

Friday, March 26, 2004

Kindred spirits linger near..
Darkness feeds off all your fears..
Faithless kind as we may be..
In the shadows we can't be seen..

With flesh so cold you'd think it ice..
we're not like you.. its no suprise..
We sift through life.. like sades or ghosts..
leaching from unsuspecting hosts..

Thursday, March 25, 2004

Lets go...

Harsh words... i've heard alot since like.. yah..
pple who msg.. talk.. blog.. all of it..
and i'm gonna give due credit.. first let me say thanks..
by no means will i be ungreatful.. efforts and opinions duely noted..

One asked so many questions.. all to which...
i cannot give right answers.. u may think that i am stupid..
but let me assure you if u do.. then u are gravely mistaken..
u may be right.. i don't deserve her.. i don't stand out..
i'm only 18 & i don't know love.. i'm not good enough..
and of course there ARE people more qualified than me..
are you saying we should all fall for the greatest crudentials..?
Disregarding our feelings.. surely not..?
if not i should marry some girls diploma someday..

but lets turn the tables.. chill a sec.. lets play..
i'll throw out a question... does anyone know love..?
Hello..~? only an echo.. He who says yes is probably a fool..
will someone please pass me the dictionary?
so we can check the defination..? but does it matter..?
point taken..?

when will i come 2 my senses.. in due time.. in due time..
u are not in my shoes.. please don't pretend to understand
how i feel and what i should do.. no man has that right but me..
and to assume comes from a place of pure arrogance and anger..
maybe i struck a nerve.. if so step off my boots..
and start cleaning yours..

on a different note.. understand that i AM getting over it..
and that in NO way do i feel she owes me anything..
do i expect things to work out ever..? no.. i know better..
BUT should i not be hurt or upset while working tru it.. ?
if you didn't feel such on your turn.. and u are a bigger man than i am..
but personally.. i seriously doubt it..

*grin*.. do you get it..? if u got more to say i'm here ALL day..
its okay if cat got your tongue.. i'd be shocked too..
and lastly..? i'm not ur brother.. if anything..
i distant.. real distant cousin..

Sorry if i'm harsh.. i'm NOrmally nice.. *Grin*

Wednesday, March 24, 2004

Stay in shadow by Finger 11

So cold that you cannot cope
With a frozen heart
I guess we blow apart
I guessed it from the start
Stay in shadow
I’ll run this world out
Stay in shadow
It’s running out of time
Stay in shadow
I want to watch it drown
Stay in this now

Don’t say because you can’t
Say what we should have been
Don’t show what I resent
Don’t know cause I forget

So cruel to be so blind
Darkness was on my side
Now that you’ve come and gone
I know where I belong

Light is leaving as I watch you go
Light is leaving inside of my soul

stacie orrico. i promise
Will I always be there for you?
When you need someone, Will I be that one you need?
Will I do all my best to, to protect you?
When the tears get near your eyes
Will I be the one that's by your side?
Will I be there when you call me in the middle of the night?
Will I keep the rain from falling down into your life?
I promise, I promise
I promise I will

Will I take tender care of you?
Take your darkest night and make it bright for you
Will I be there to make you strong and to lean on?
When this world has turned so cold
Will I be the one that's there to hold?

Will I be there when you call me in the middle of the night?
Will I keep the rain from falling down into your life?
I promise, I promise
I promise I will

contrasting isn't it...
How do i say this.. Orrico is so poppy..
but the lyrics are well..good in a sense as in how i'm feeling..
like confused.. longing.. empty.. all that..
and Eleven.. man..
the sound,energy,anger,tension,fustration.. the deep rooted anguish
all of it.. have you ever.. felt so torn apart in 2 ways...
my dark pulling away from my white..
doing whats right or giving in to the darkness..
fine.. this may sound so overused.. out of some good and evil fairy tale..
i miss the power and haterd of being dark..
in retrospect.. i am so fucked.. *grin*..
life's a bitch... and then you die.. sweet rest to all..
pray that i may never wake.. So god above my soul to take..
For in this twlight hour of night.. the outside world thus sheds but no light..
Shadows dance upon the walls.. at this time when darkness falls..

Monday, March 22, 2004

Sleep doesn't come easily as of late..
i'd lie in my bed.. and when i give in and tire..
drift into a dark dream..and yet dreading the light of day..
When i have to feel again.. A vast collidoscope of feelings span my spirit...
How should i feel..? my black and white tearing apart in 2 different directions..
Afraid that i can't handle when the truth emerges.. bursting from my chest..
Slowly the darkness pulsates through my viens.. warm.. painful.. sinister.. yet.. liberating..
and i hear so much advice from everyone... i don't want anything... from anyone..
Is the concept of suffering alone so hard to digest..? Well i don't expect anyone to..

*deep Breath*.. ah.. haha.. man thats good..
praise you lord for creating tequila shots..~
Packing my day and drinking are all
i can do to stop my mind pondering..
For the first time in 3 days i'm actualli sleepy..
and i'm too buzzed to think..
i miss this feeling.. haha..
To drink to the extent of feeling completly nothing..
its so... warm.. comforting.. one more before i sleep..
just in case... just in case..

Let me end with this.. and i'll be completely sober about this...
Don't waste ur time and energy feeling sorri for me...
i'm not worth that kind of misery.. besides.. if anything..
you should be delighted.. u 2 are finally together..
well deserved and ment to be..
knowing that he makes u smile..
and knowing that u are happy ..
gives me strength..
that alone keeps me from falling apart..
love and hate happy and sad...
i'm... i'm.. happy for you.. i.. mean it..

Sunday, March 21, 2004

The scene keeps replaying in my head..
i guess i deserve it.. this place is oddly familiar..
the things i love most tend to slip away..

i was.. pretty zoned todae..
tried to play ball to work off some of the tension..
i was pathetic.. Argh.. Damn~ fuck this self pity shit..
but i feel.. *sigh*.. i just do..
if not for my friends and carmen..
i would have lost my mind..
listening and playing..
goo goo dolls.. john mayer.. jack johnson..
here's some sappy lyrics.. that.. well..
Don't look so dumb now..

"And I will wait to find
If this will last forever
And I will pay no mind
When it won't and it won't
Because it won't
And I will waste no time
Worried 'bout no rainy weather
And I will waste no time
Remaining in our lives together"
John Mayer."Clarity"

"Tonight its very clear as we're both lying here,
there's so many things i wanna say.
i will always love you i will never leave you alone.
sometimes i just forget, say things i might,
regret it breaks my heart to see you crying.
i don't want to lose you, i could never make it alone.
cause i am the man who will fight for your honor i'll be the hero
that you're dreaming of gonna live forever knowing together
that we did it all for the glory of love."
Chicago."The Glory of love"

There's so much talk.. and i.. can't take it now...
all i wanted todae was to be alone..
silence so sharp it could cut through skin..
arguing.. bickering.. consoling.. i've heard enough...
it echos in me.. Argh.. and. and..
as if i didn't have enough to deal with..
i understand why van gough cut off his ear..
to save himself from going insane..
It's so Dark

Its about 7.30am.. and i just got back from zacks place..
i had a pretty rough night.. and... things happened..
If i haden't listened to my music all the way home..
i might have died from the rantings in my head..

Now my knuckles are bleeding.. and it hurts..
but.. sumhow.. not enough...
externalising is one of the way i deal with it..
I'm just gonna sae it.. i think of her all the time..
and it kills me knowing that i'm not gonna be
that to her which she is to me.. when i said it didn't hurt..
i was lyingthrough my teeth..
i'm so sorri i had 2 lie.. i'm glad you could tell..

but us both being sad woulden't have helped..
last night i was so full of alcohol and shit..
i actualli believed what i said.. *sigh* that it didn't hurt...
and for awhile the fabrication held.. but
silly me.. making a hopelss attempt at phsycotherapy..
i pride myself on handling pain.. i've done it all my life..
but.. i actualli had a tear run down my cheek..

as the alcohol faded.. reality set in.. and..
and.. i'm so upset with myself.. that i could have had..
something that means so much to me..
if i had only.. oh if i had only..
i think i'm the most scared that i can't stop caring..
i... i... i can't..

i'm so annoyed that.. it so easily could have swung my way..
and that.. well.. i.. i feel.. like my chance was just
pulled from under me like a rug.. so is life huh.. haha
How close i was to being with the girl of my dreams..
to have it all slip away.. is all.. very surreal..

i'm so... so.. confused.. i don't wanna hear ANYTHING now..
not from anyone.. please... please..
don't tell me how to feel or what to do..
i have questions.. and i need answers..