Monday, December 13, 2004


Hey guys ~ i'm HomE~.. grin..
okay.. i'm lying.. i'm at kaoxiong..
for the mandrin AND general knowledge impaired..
thats taiwans erm.. SECOND capital of sorts..
finished my 2 weeks of crazy training..
DID you guys know that the typhoon passed over my camp..?
a baby one.. BUT one none the less.. i was super excited..
Anyway.. training was tough.. lots of planning..
marching.. heavy loads to carry.. fighting..
all that rubbish.. but ITS over... and i'm glad...

Now is just rest and relaxation time..
shopping.. eating.. all that..
i really expected better shopping..
but i've been shopping at the brand shops..
so i can't complain..
there are some realli nice clothes here..
but prices.. sigh..
i have to look for non-branded stuff..
be more choosy... grin..

Alright.. sad confession..
cigs are cheap here..
and i've smoked some here..
sigh.. not to the extent of hardcore smoker mind you..
but i'm not proud of it..
so when i get back.. its gonna stop..
gradually.. but it will.. promise..

right.. anyway its late.. gonna hit the sack.
i miss you all.. = )

Monday, November 15, 2004


I'm scared..
Scared of so many things..
Running these lines..
To what end it brings..
So frail and fragile..
This porcelain child..
His pleasure never lasts..
For more than awhile..

He wishes things were different..
Changing his plight..
But life's stacked against him..
try as he might..
She alone saves his grace..
runs her fingers across his face..
and i'm scared of much..
ever so much..

no more..

Saturday, November 06, 2004


Alright.. so just gonna post down some general stuf.. *Ahem*.. okay..

i noticed.. well i've been neglecting the marist guys as of late.. most of the time i can't make their meetings and when i can i'm just too damn tired or lazy to drag my scrawny ass down to gardens.. so lemmie start off with a.. " I'm SorrY~.." will make more effort to come down.. tho the journey is a bitch.. haha.. Miss the good times passing out on zacks computer room floor after a long night of PS 2.. laffin at joe getting high on the SMELL of the alcohol.. damn.. and basket ball earli next morning after prata.. good shit man.. joe with his ossacsional "taiko" shot.. and nick with his actzai ness.. and ME.. wit my mad handle I'M gonna make the shot cockyness.. hahaha.. MIss the days..

*Ahem..* two..
Being CPC sucks.. OKAY.. the only damn thing worse than being a CPC.. is being a CPC in GOLF WING.. for those who aren't familiar with the acronym..
CPC = cadet platoon commander

Right.. things starting to make sense now doesn't it.. yeah.. anyway.. I'm CPC.. for god knows how long.. a month..? 2..? sheesh.. now i'm responsible for 39 pples asses.. ( mine included..) NO rest for the weary.. and i gotta fuck the guys when they slack off.. and arrange the day to meet timings.. not to mention write reflections in the CPC book DAILY.. sheesh.. what do they care what i think anyway..

*cough* okay.. last but not least.. three..
This one's abit weird.. Being a cpc.. i see everything from an overview.. so.. i well saw some good things la.. amongst all the bad.. and i dunno.. i guess i could learn alot from some of the guys.. instead of looking at each day as a sufferfest.. i should be more positive.. its the only way i'll make it..

Nightmares crawling up your neck..
fear clutches ur fibres..
Your hands shoot to cover your face..
breathing on your shoulders..
Shadows shoot across the room..
entities of your dark desires..

Sunday, October 31, 2004

Empty without you..

Its not supposed to be like this..
we were meant to be happy..
free.. living life without a care..
but the traffic flows against us..
keeping us apart..
and i'm trying so hard not to break and crumble..
there's no other way.. can't trip or stumble..

A bird in a cage i feel so constrained..
need to break out of these god damned chains ..
but there's no other way.. i have to stick it through..
every minute and second i'm thinking of you..

Your poison flows in my blood..
It burns my skin Running through my body..
won't somebody come and save me..
Loving venom that u gave me..

Give me a reason to believe..
my heart burns and i feel ill..
I might die if i lay still..

Sunday, October 24, 2004

BookinG In..

I am.. well going to book in now..
and i'd thought i'd leave a post..
i'm feeling strangly down..
thought that i'd be used to book in's by now..
but well i dunno.. down down down..
had a great weekend.. i love u all..

Feels like i died for you..
Living this life anew..
Thru this life its fill..
If you keep still..
it goes on and on and on..

Thursday, October 21, 2004

So i'm back home this week..
well till sunday.. then i gotta book in again..
so noticed i haven't posted in ages.. thought i would..
so ocs.. well.. still don't like the place much..
don't like the instructors.. the rules or anything..
personally.. i'm not totally comfortable with the pple either..
but as usual.. nothin i can do but put up with it..

Right.. so i shaln't brood over army.. = )
being at home today was.. weird..
the peace of mind is insane.. feels really good..
not having to run on a timetable..
getting to do what i wanna do insted of having to live up
to my instructors expectations all the time..
so many times i wonder if its really worth it..
everybody says.. "Oh.. OCS.. wow.."
They have no idea.. Golf Wing is just tough..
Looking at my platoon mates..
i see how much sweat and heart they put in..
and we've JUST got to pro term..
it makes me wonder.. pro term is meant to be touhger..
how am i gonna make it..? Honestly..
just gotta suck it up.. take what they give u..
right wrong.. good bad.. u just take it.. know what i mean..?

Haha.. i seems all i CAN talk about is army..
i apologise.. so i skated today.. haven't skated in ages..
watched the 411 skate vid just before going down..
so i was pretty psyched..
didn't land a k-grind todae as i intended to..
but i landed a sweet 5-0..
learnt fakie bigspin in a day..
some kick and heel flips..
almost got 1 noseslide..
basically had fun just crusing arnd..
goofing off with mike and sam..

Went to chinablack last night..
it was.. AHEm.. eventful.. grin..
had some drinks.. danced a lil..
met some old marist pals..
some girls.. haha..
but suprisingly i left real early..
anyway.. gonna go play sum guitar..
rock on everyone..

Wednesday, October 13, 2004

"There Is"

This vacation's useless..
These white pills aren't kind..
I've given a lot of thought on this 13-hour drive..
I miss the grinding concrete where we sat past 8 or 9..
And slowly finished laughing in the glow of our headlights..
I've given a lot of thought to the nights we use to have..
The days have come and gone..
Our lives went by so fast..
I faintly remember breathing on your bedroom floor..
Where i laid and told you, but you sweared you loved me more..
Do you care if i don't know what to say..
Will you sleep tonight or will you think of me..
Will i shake this off pretend its all okay..
That there's someone out there who feels just like me..
There is..

Those notes you wrote me..
I've kept them all..
I've given a lot of thought of how to write you back this fall..
With every single letter in every single word..
There will be a hidden message about a boy that loves a girl..
Do you care if i don't know what to say..
Will you sleep tonight or will you think of me..
Will i shake this off,
pretend its all okay..
that there's someone out there who feels just like me..
There is..

Do you care if i don't know what to say?
Will you sleep tonight or will you think of me..
Will i shake this off, pretend its all okay..
That there's someone out there who feels just like me..
Do you care if i don't know what to say?
Will you sleep tonight or will you think of me..
Will i shake this off, pretend its all okay..
That there's someone out there who feels just like me..
There is..

Sunday, September 26, 2004

21 Km..

Okay.. so my legs have NEVER been through such torture ever..Its crazy now that i think about it... it still boggles the mind..i mean.. to me it just never occured that i could run 21km..or even 5km.. or 6km.. haha.. well u get my point.. i just can't really see myself running unless ABSOLUTLY necessary..but any 2hrs and 7 mins ain't bad timing at all..

During the run i found.. that i ran faster and pushed harder.. because my friends were there.. I was SO happy to see my SISPEC buddies and sergeants.. we laughed and joked.. and i saw friends from maris stella.. It was really just like old times.. and these guys just kept my morale up.. so i ran even faster when i got tired.. Strange huh..? Friends mean the world to me.. Thinking of the pple suppporting me just kinda made the jarring in my ankles and the cramping of my calves melt away.. if even for that one second.. So yah~.. i love u all.. but damn thats one hell of a long run..
Glad i made it.. but good god.. NEVER AGAIN..~ My feet are begging me..

So ANYWAY i've ranted on long enough about the run.. So when i came home... HE was staring at me with those Glaring eyes.. I could feel its wrong move and he would leap for my neck..his tall lean body prone to strike in a heartbeat.. thats right~! all 4kgs of my new Miniature snauzer..( is that how u spell it???) Haha.. yeah.. mom and jie decided to get a dog.. cool huh..? Its adorable.. but its realli causing major family tension between..
Ken ("The Anti-Dog") and Jie("the Pro-Dog")

To me it doesn't matter either way.. i could live with or without him.. i mean.. i'm in camp 5 days a week... anyway.. the guys are waiting.. gonna go acs barker and skate..Oh and Btw.. i just got the new Papa Roach Cd.. and its a good 4\5 Stars man.. A must listen.. Rock on pple... rock on..

Sunday, September 19, 2004


Okay.. a weird name for a title.. = )
but lemmie explain.. just had one of those days.
Recently these days come few and far apart..
Still Blur? Alright.. its one of those days that..
well everything just flows.. pieces fit..
basically its a GOOD day (thats for the lay.. LAYMAN!)

Pick ups of the day..? had a really wicked skate session with the guys today.. i haven't skated in ages and was realli rusty, but with the Rush from watching skate videos in the morning, i went hard and fast.. 50-50, 5 O, kickflips.. big ass ollies.. even tried a tre-flip and nollie bigspin.. haha.. ken and sam are pretty good now.. wish i could practice with them and learn new tricks.. but sigh..such is the life of a NATION protector... grinx.

also picked up my issue of FHM US.. with ALysissa Milano on the cover..! *drool* joe will be totally jealous.. haha.. i'll let u look at it.. BUT no touching.. haha..Damn she's fine.. both me and joe worship the ground she walks on.. haha alright.. i MAY be exaggeratin Just a LiL.. but she's one of the top few in my list..

Hmmx.. just came from newton food center.. saw trina there.. talked awhole LOTTA rubbish.. from shoes.. to why alyssia milano is so hot( y can't she see it!?) sheesh.. to her complaining about my JEANS.. AHem.. haha.. ANYWAY.. moving AWAY from that topic..

I'm back home now.. and well thought i'd blog now.. its about 5.. gonna sleep soon.. gotta wake ken up early tmr to study and do my OPS orders homework.. for now i'm headin to my bed.. and gonna curl up under my sheets..

Goodnight everyone..

Sunday, September 05, 2004


Erm.. okay.. gonna blog now..
So just Lemmie say..
this.. this is a weird post to start..
Don't Know the significance or meaning..
But will try to work it out along the way..

So the story begins with me at Orchard rd..
and i'm gettin my passport size photos at the
Kodak shop at far east.. Snap Snap Snap..
and its over..

So i'm waiting at the counter to check the photos
before they develop.. and they are sent to printing...
So i turn to walk around far east.. take 2 steps..
and look up.. and i just stop in my steps..
i coulden't help it.. there was this girl that walked past..

So yah.. this hasn't happened to me in a long time..
Which is the strange bit.. i think.. its just been so long..
since a girl caused me to mindblank..
She wasn't MODEL pretty.. Not scantly dressed or anything..
she had that short spunky hair.. Blue tube top and Jeans..
she reminded me of some one.. = X not saying who tho..

In fact.. i don't even remember how she looks like now..
the aim of this post is NOT to show off this cute girl..
don't get me wrong.. Its just.. Strange.. = )
It felt weird.. Guess all i can say is..
its been too long.. = ) Is there something i'm missing here..?
Maybe i'm just overthinking things.. haha..
Stupid post huh.. Off 2 try and skate..

Saturday, September 04, 2004


So 2 weeks into Tri-service term 2 at OCS..
How are things..? Honestly.. i'm Slowly..
and i STRESS slowly.. gettin the hang of the place..
still a newbie.. gettin used to the new "culture"..
rules.. system.. and shit...
BUT there's one thing i hate.. Absolutly hate..
The 3Km morning runs Everyday..!
i'll just come out and say it..
i'm not one of the fit guys..
Those who can run like forever..

So its abit demoralising.. BUT.. i can feel it..
slowly i'm pickin up.. getting fitter.. stronger..
gotta keep up the pace.. Fight all the way..
I think i might take a nap.. wanna catch up on some Z's..

In the Words of Ozzy Orsbourne..
"i love you all.. i love you more than life itself.. But ur all fucking mad.."

Good Night~

Friday, August 20, 2004


So Finally finished 10 weeks of bslc.. Went through ALL the exercises, never reported sick or fell out.. Completed my nutcracker.. Grandslam.. and 32Km route march.. that was last night for ur info.. My Whole body is achin.. the soles of my feet are blistered.. shoulders brused.. and since we marched through the night.. i haven't got a wink of sleep.. and after all of this i'm still here standing.. and the posting is out.. lookin back i remember the first week how "garang" i was.. aiming to go ocs and all.. less than 2 weeks after i decided it was too hard and gave up. So the weird thing is... I made the OCS transfer..~! i'll be joining golf wing on wednesday starting the second term.. its weird cuz i'm not AS happy as i thought i would be.. i'm leaving behind Good friends.. and a good section.. but As usual life and time waits for no one.. we must press on..

I was awarded foxtrot platoon best today after the march.. the ceremony was torture~ pure TORTURE.. after the 32 km.. i coulden't even straighten my knees without them aching.. not to mention stand at attention in the field for another hour.. but when the LTC of Sispec gave me my rank.. it was all worth it.. the pain melted away for a brief second..

Got my posting at 2 but was held back till about 5+.. and lugged ALL my stuff and stores back home.. so took a cab.. thats IT.. all i remember of the week..

Was pretty stressed out cuz i was the LPS.. but the guys were all co-operative.. anyway.. may go club this weekend.. and to the movies.. and.. well.. Other stuff.. I know the foxtrot platoon 2 guys may not read this but i'll miss u guys..

Sunday, August 15, 2004

What a weekend.. Seems like i'm in a run of good luck..
well good isn't exactly the word.. cuz i'm feeling Kinda awkward about it all.. so here's for those who may not have heard.. erm..

1) Apparently i'll be getting foxtrot platoon 2's platoon best when i graduate form SISPEC this friday.. god knows how that happened.. i don't exactly stand out of a crowd.. i just do my job.. BUT do it well of course~ grin.. so yar.. never been the best before.. so its abit weird to say the least.. feeling a tad uncomfortable about it...

2) Secondly.. i Think.. i made the transfer to OCS after finishing my BSLC.. For the layman.. OCS= officer cadet school and BSLC=Basic Section Leader Course. So yar.. only the top 5 % get to cross over to OCS from SISPEC.. and i had grueling interviews with my OC and CO to get the place.. So my name's been sent to ocs.. weather i Do get the place.. well i'll know by friday.. the strange thing is that.. intitially i REALLY wanted to go.. that was for the first 2 weeks of sispec.. now.. i'm not so sure.. well i'll take things as they come i guess..

3) Was hanging out in town with some old Marist Guys.. shooting sum pool.. walked 2 HMV after.. and when i was in the mambo shop looking at the watches.. a lady came up to me and asked if i would like to be entered in the Teen magazine model contest or something.. she said erm.. "i was quite suitable".. Whatever that means.. The first thing me and nick thought was.. DAMN.. they must be pretty damn desperate.. haha.. So i just gave them my particulars.. got straight out of the store.. i got a freaked out vibe.. *shudder*.. Ugh.. Me? in a magazine..? that i've never read before..? yuck..~ can't exactly see myself doing that..

So thats it for the awkwardness..
just got back from the Hoobastank concert..
went with tris.. brendon.. the ny girls.. tash and tiffany..
it was.. Good.. damn man.. not great..
but up there..was like.. 3 rows from the lead singer..
we were sharing the same air.. grin..
The energy was great.. Really Good stuff..
They played songs like..
Running Away.. Crawling in the dark.. Pieces.. Just one.. Same Direction.. remember me.. and the reason..

After all that..supper at Newton.. and a couple of beers.. Ahhh..~ Tired and sleepy.. but what a night.. Going out for some alone time.. and well.. sleep.. got a Long week before graduation.. 6Km and 8Km fast march.. 32km route march.. my poor feet..

The Rasmus. Guilty
"i put a shield upon you
i didn't mean to hurt you
i would have only poisoned your mind
never meant to make you cry"

Friday, August 13, 2004


I think this song is appropriate..
Like it.. think it means alot..
the lyrics speak volumes..

Whose eyes am I behind..
I don’t recognize anything that I see..
Whose skin is this design..
I don’t want this to be the way that you see me..
I don’t understand anything anymore..
In this world that I’m tired of..
Is taking me right up these walls..
That I climb up..
To get to your story..
It’s anything but ordinary..

And when the world is on its knees with me its fine..
And when I come to the rescue I get nothing but left behind..
Everybody seems to be getting what they need where's mine..
‘Cause your what I need so very but i'm anything but ordinary'

Can you save me from this world of mine..
Before I get myself arrested with this expectation..
You are the one look what you’ve done..
What have you done?
This is not some kind of joke..
You’re just a kid..
You weren’t ready for what you did..

And when the world is on its knees with me its fine..
And when I come to the rescue I do it for you time after time..
Everybody seems to be getting what they need where's mine..
‘Cause you what I need so very but i'm anything but ordinary'..

I think im trying to save the world from you..
You’ve been saving me too..
We could just stay in and save each other..

I'm anything but ordinary..

Saturday, August 07, 2004


I Cried a dream tonight..
U died in my arms as i held you tight..
And i let you go with all my might ..
My Tears disappear before reaching the ground..
With the Moon ablaze and the sun a dark eclipse..
Stars litter the ground, the Sky a purple and blue..
Atop a cliff i leap.. arms spread wide..
for that split second believing i could fly..
Watch as the time passes us by..
A sparrow in my hand i release to the sky..
Emptyness a soul to cry..
Love is such freedom is never goodbye..


ErM... Happy..? Me..? nonono.. I don't DO happy...

So the strangest thing this week... i'm ACTUALLY enjoying myself at camp.. can you believe that..?
its weird.. i dunno.. Maybe i'm in that Pre Graduating mood.. 2 weeks left and BSLC will be over..
where i go from there is.. Well not in my hands.. might get posted 2 a support unit.. or go on 2 ASLC to command an infantry unit.. or maybe even cross over 2 ocs..?
Yeah RIGHT~..! like thats gonna happen~..

Another thing.. I heard a secret.. but details aren't confirmed so don't wanna go blowing it outta proportion.. not too sure whats going on in Foxtrot anyway.. and now its just all hearsay so yah.. will break the news when its Confirmed..

This week at camp was.. fun~! Had the flu on tuesday but that passed soon enuff.. erm... Did additional Obstacle course.. and went to the tear gas chamber.. Went for my Wanderer navigation test...did Confidence obstacle course.. Tonnes of fun shit... crawling in the mud.. canvas jump..~ the GAS mask..oh COOL..~ and my group found like all the checkpoints for wanderer~! with 2 plus hours to spare which i spent sleeping under a tree~.. haha.. and i caught this HugE Praying Mantis
which i'm keeping in a pringles can..! feeding him bees...named him isaac.. haha.. He is one viscious greedy lil bastard... haha

Don't get me wrong.. not that i'm not gald 2 be home.. Ahhh.. feels good.. Probably will go skate a lil later.. ken sam and tris are throwing a BBQ later.. which HAS alcohol.. so it PROMISES to be good.. Grin.. happy national day pple.. and i'm not saying this cuz i'm all patroitic now.. enjoy the holiday.. = )

Saturday, July 31, 2004


This week sure passed fast.. the usual outfield on monday and tuesday.. and Grandslam from wednesday onwards.. It just HAD to rain didn't it.. as if being outfield and feeding mosquitos all day wasn't bad enuff.. Camo on my face.. mud all over.. dirty uniform.. doing drills.. Eating COmBAT rations.. Ugh.. going for marches with our fieldpacks on.. you can only imagine how 7 smelly,dirty guys with fieldpacks and rifles squeeze under ONE teenie tiny basha in the bloody rain to try and sleep..
Its something i NEVER wanna do ever again..i'll tell you that..

Right.. went on the company trip to chevron right after grandslam..
I was on overload.. it was crazy.. i had to do the book-in\book-out book.. and plan the acts for our platoon.. and perform and item which i HADN'T come up with yet.. it was crazy.. but managed to pull it off.. and everything went pretty well.. i didn't drink a whole lot though..
maybe 7.. 8 beers..? 2 tequila shots.. played some pool .. lost a couple.. won a couple.. shared a smoke.. and i was off.. didn't know i was so tired.. dropped off at town.. walked arnd.. and went straight home..

sat on the couch.. watched some tube.. and i just passed out.. the next thing i know.. mom wakes me up the next morning.. complaining that i smell like booze and cigs.. grin.. got my morning hug soon after..
so here i am.. back home.. just showered.. still in jeans.. haha..

Checked out some upcoming movies..
Tonnes of SWEET flicks coming up.. erm..
Meet the Fockers..~ Alien Vs Predator..~ Resident Evil Apocolypse..~
harold and kumar go to white castle.. christmas with the kranks..
Oh.. oh~! & Blade Trinity..!!!
Damn i love this show.. vampires.. hot actress.. ass kicking.. cool weapons.. I mean whats NOT to like...!
anyway i'm off to grab some breakfast.. for the first time in 3 days.. i'm STARVED...

"Until the day I die
I'll spill my heart for you, for you
Until the day I die
I'll spill my heart for you

As years go by
I race the clock with you
But if you died right now
You know that I'd die to
I'd die too"

p.s for those who got time and wanna check out sum realli cool trailers.. go to !

Sunday, July 25, 2004

Should have would have could have..

All the voices screaming at me...  just want to be free..
Take me back to where i came from.. lost and scared..
Look all we done crumbling upon us..
Test my arms.. kick like crazy..
i've been trying way too long..
Only push away to find you..
and i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm not yours.
Get off my chest.. the story ends
Close ur mind shelter the pieces..
i'm the one u want to lose..
No other path for us to choose.. 
Why am i only.. Falling softly..
Reach for a hand.. pull to the end..
Awake and see.. inside of me..
Wings Spread wide.. Fly to the sky..
Soaring so fast.. Spin through the sky..
Want to escape.. Is it too late..
Can u feel the clouds surround you..
Phoenix ignites and burns us through..

Sunday, July 11, 2004

Love Is...

Hi.. its me.. andrew..Owner of this here blog..
remember..? its been 2.. 3 weeks..?
know i haven't posted in the longest time..
Do people still come here..?
Got company confinement next week and
thought i'd jot down some thoughts..

Lemmie just start..
Love Is.. for those of you who DO know..
i'm not talking about the nike AIR JORDAN ads..
as much as i love em.. so here we go..

Its totally weird..
if you believe in love at first sight.. ur naive..
and a love that lasts a lifetime..? ur unrealistic..
so Where exactly are we..? Love is..? love is...
Well i don't know.. but if i were to guess..?
it be in the present.. but thats just me..
and well its got me nowhere..

Anyone caught that french film "love me if you dare"?
just watched it at home.. and something hit close to home.
There comes a point where love stops being a game..
Wish i had known earlier.. anyone who knows me knows i love games..
and for most of my life its been nothing MORE than a game..
Well.. Until now.. Who knew that it hurt so much..?
think that i torture myself over this all the time..
When the games stopped.. and i seriously looked at it again..
this path just took on a long and bumpy ride..
On many occasions it worries me that i put so much heart into it..
knowing that if it doesn't work out its gonna hurt like hell..
Its crossed my mind to just leave.. no traces.. or goodbyes..
just like before.. cuz its scary..
but no.. in the greater scheme of things..
it pays to follow dreams.. well at least i believe so..

Has anyone read "The Alchemist"?
i had time this week in camp and finished the book..
it talks about love , life and being..
its pretty insightful to say the least..
so here i'll end off.. got alot running through my head..
sorry if the post sounds choppy..
see you people in 2 weeks..

"The Worst feeling in the world is to be surrounded by people and still feel totally alone."

Saturday, June 26, 2004


Took out the lyrics from the last post..
don't know what came over me..
can't believe i wrote that..
it just looked bad when i read it again..

Feeling.. well.. adrift.. a lil bit tense..
army getting to me.. mood swings.. lots of stuff..
*grin* i'm just irritable today la..

Gonna get out of the house..
probably grab a beer or 2...
or 3... Maybe 4..
well u get my drift..
Gonna sit back and listen 2 some THRICE..
Good god.. fantastic band.. Story of the year too..
Incubus.. Hoobastank.. Think i'll just..
erm.."SWITCH OFF".. i need a break..

Later pple.. i'm outta here..
Sweet Dreams..

"Thrice.Ultra Blue"

Unabashedly pursue,
the Truth that we cannot deny
A revelation shining through,
orchestration Adonai
A revolution ultra-blue,
and a melodic battle cry
And though you say there'll be no coup,

we'll never know unless we
Try to see it through,
and find a different point of view,
one where faith is not taboo
And we'll all learn to see the world as new

Sunday, June 20, 2004

Had a Good day...
Got tonnes to do.. army stuff mainly..
now i think about it..~ i didn't have dinner ..?
well snacking on oreos and milk..
The disgusting green shrek ones.. Haha..

My sec com has given me alot of posts in foxtrot..
pretty stressed out.. Book in book out i\c..
Safty Rover i\c.. Law Gunner... Sheesh..
But.. i dunno.. now.. i'm looking up..
Sispec will be tough.. BUT i'll NOT fall out..
"My body says ENOUGH.. But my spirit says NO.."

i think this is the only army moto i truly believe in..
Speaks volumes about determination and true will..

Right.. this is WAyyyy to leadership campy for my blog.. haha..
anyway.. good night people.. stay happy..

Sunday. 20th June

Whoa 2 more hours to book in timing..!
Still got lots to do..! damn..
went to town 2 get my photos done and
buy stationary from popular this morning..
Damn i look bad with short hair.. hahax..
rushed to SPONGE to get ken's b-dae gift..
and had lunch at pasta mania.. DrooL~..
still gotta finish off the cover for the book in book..
make sure i got all my items..
Pack my clothes.. and grab dinner..
Ooh.. this is a realli tight weekend..
But i loved it.. haha.. = P
Sigh back to camp for another hectic week..
ippt.. soc.. signal tests.. practical and theory..
demoliton tests and theory.. GosH..~
Gotta take it one day at a time..

Cya in a week people...
well.. HOPEFULLY..

Sunday, June 13, 2004

Dark Cloud

'Switchfoot.Meant to Live'

'Dreaming about Providence
And whether mice or men have second tries
Maybe we've been livin with our eyes half open
Maybe we're bent and broken, broken

We were meant to live for so much more
Have we lost ourselves?
Somewhere we live inside
Somewhere we live inside
We were meant to live for so much more
Have we lost ourselves?
Somewhere we live inside~'

I am sad.. don't usually say it but there..
I got a confession.. i'm pretty freaked out..
about everything basically.. Sispec..
sigh.. i don't know what to think..
heard the training is tough..
and the sergeants are realli unreasonable..
i feel like i'm starting back from square one..
and its not a good feeling.. all that training for nothing..
I don't know what to expect..
Argh i'm feelin like shit..
its the day before booking in..
and well.. i'll just come out and say it..
i'm scared.. about army..

About life..
i know i look like i got my life plan all worked out..
but to be honest.. seeing all my frenx getting uni letters..
it just scares me that i well PROBABLY can't get into local uni..
I feel prety fucked.. wondering how everything is gonna work out..
woke up this morning and just lay there..
looking at the ceiling..
scared shitless of the future...
my mind running in circles..
not making things any better..

Relationship wise..
i just keep hanging on to the ledge with the tips of my fingers..
many times i wonder if its worth it.. all i put myself through..
and maybe it be easier to just let go.. and fall.. fall..
but i just keep telling myself that its worth it..
because..well i know it is.. i've put in so much and waited so long..
i can't.. let myself crumble now..
It hurts.. but thats just how much i'm willing to put in..
But Its more scary now with so much on my mind..
i'm so scared that one day i WILL give up..
i don't want to.. Argh..

Wih so much on my mind.. how can you blame me for being sad..?
What thoughts to have before entering sispec..
this isn't the good start i expected..
damn.. i.. i just don't know..
... .. .

Saturday, June 12, 2004


Right.. hmmx.. went to liquid room last night..
and me and tris decided to bring our YOUNGER siblings..
BIG mistake..
so it was.. tris.. tasha.. tasha's fren.. me.. my bro and janice..
for me and tris it was more a babysitting trip than anything else..
always chacking up on the younger ones every 10 minutes.. jesus..
to top that ken drank too much and needed to be sent home..
so OUR night was stressful.. taking care of tasha...
and kens bugging me quite abit now.. don't care if he sees this..
Giving me this.. i'm a Big Fuck attitude..
the whole i got a girlfriend and i'll do whatever shit i want kinda thing..
funny that I WAS the one sending his ass home in a cab last night..
anyway that aside.. met alot of platoon mates.. Marist guys...
had fun with them.. so i guess the night was not too bad..

Oh.. got my posting.. looks like i'll be going to sispec..
i feel i deserve ocs but well.. nothing i can do now..
gonna try go transfer to ocs after BSLC(basic section leader course)..
Gonna give it my best shot.. but if i can't i don't mind either..

Abit Confused about relationship stuff..
Keeps my mind wandering..
Right.. song lyrics..

"I'm tired of playing games, of looking for someone else to blame
For all the holes in answers that are clearly showing
For something to fill the space, was all of the time i spent a waste
'cause so many choices point the same way i was going...

But i'm not ever going to know if i'm right or wrong
'cause we're all going in the same direction
And i'm not sure which way to go because all along
We've been going in the same direction"

Hoobastank."Same Direction"

Tuesday, June 08, 2004

Day by day..

Shattered glass sprays around the room..
A lullaby to this dark and gloom..
Walking away you turn your back..
This winter day your things you pack..
Freeze in Time the night's so clear..
Gravity will pull you near..
Extend your hand i'll hold you close..
Shield you from this world of ghosts..
Is it me you came to see..
We share this world just you and me..

Right... as usual.. that came from a rather dark place.. i'm not upset or anything.. and i don't realli know WHY i post up these random writings Or their meanings.. i guess i gotta let it out somewhere.. where better than here..?

Chinablack was horrible.. i mean it was the usual.. but i dunno.. i just wasn't in a very party happy mood.. there were SO many guys compared to girls.. but i think i had more fun meeting old friends and talking them anything else.. drank quite abit.. but didn't get wasted or high at all.. sheesh.. Its things like these that confirm something is wrong with the universe.. grin..

Anyway will probably hit HMV later.. check out some new music.. skate a lil.. hang out.. do shit.. later people.. By the way.. and i know my mom isn't gonna read this but.. Happy birthday mom..! U know i Love ya..

Oooh..! For anyone interested lakers beat detroit in game 2 of the NBA finals to even the series 1-1..! crux shot kind of game.. kobe sunk a 3 pointer to tie the game and force ot with 2.1 seconds on the clock..! That was just plain sick..! Final score: lakers 99, detroit 91..

"The stars will cry
The blackest tears tonight
And this is the moment that I live for
I can smell the ocean air
And here I am
Pouring my heart onto these rooftops
Just a ghost to the world
That's exactly
Exactly what I need

From up here the city lights burn
Like a thousand miles of fire
And I'm here to sing this anthem
Of our dying day"

Story Of The Year.Anthem Of Our Dying Day.

Monday, June 07, 2004


Whats goin on..?
i keep askin myself..
See and find..
Seek but lost..

Answers don't come easy..
There's a price to pay..
Sometimes we don't know..
and its better off that way..

Open your eyes..
See whats not there..
Worlds fall apart..
the truth lies abare..

You think you know..
but you don't know shit..
You're living a dream..
one where u rule supreme..

Give in to temptation..
don't fight nature's way..
Cuz u will lose out..
somewhere someway sometime of day..

Whats that all about...? To be honest.. i'm just writing from the top of my head.. god knows its significance.. or whatever the hell it means.. i'm just writing from a place where... i'm tired.. a lil depressed.. sleepy.. a lil ticked.. yah.. well i dunno.. think its.. okay.. not great but okay.. So i lied about having a happier post today..

Feeling heart heavy.. don't know why.. had a good day too.. good ballin.. pool with frenx.. dinner with ken... chinablack tmr.. everything looks good.. Looks.. argh.. what the fuck shit is going on..

i'm outta here.. Nites``==``==``==``==``==``==``==``==!

Saturday, June 05, 2004


good god i missed being home...
24km route march and pass out parade behind me..
i'm just.. SooO tired..
Body's achin all over.. can barely keep my eyes open..

i mean i'll miss bmt.. strangly enough..
the friends.. the fun\tough\rewarding training..
the tough stuff like field camp.. sit test.. soc..
and the easy stuff.. cleaning my rifle.. ippt.. gym sessions..

but the break is good.. i needed some space from my bunk mates..
was totally gonna snap at them today.. guess i was just tired..
Posting...? i wonder where i'll go..?
but serously too tired to ponder about that now..
gonna pump some songs into my new mp3 player..
listen to the muzik and knock off..
don't worry folks..
Will probably have a more "lively" post tomorrow...
Now if you don't mind..
i think i'll go pass out on my bed..
may the night bring pleasent dreams to all..

Hope you like the lyrics from..
"Yellowcard" Ocean Avenue.
"Ocean Avenue"

"There's a place off Ocean Avenue
Where I used to sit and talk with you
We were both 16 and it felt so right
Sleeping all day, staying up all night
Staying up all night

There's a place on the corner of Cherry Street
We would walk on the beach in our bare feet
We were both 18 and it felt so right
Sleeping all day, staying up all night
Staying up all night

If I could find you now things would get better
We could leave this town and run forever
Let your waves crash down on me and take me away"

Saturday, May 29, 2004

Last thing on my mind..

Sigh... okay.. yes.. this is the title of that lovey dovey
leann rimes and ronan keating song..
Don't gimmie that look.. i know.. i know..
What am i thinking..!? Well i DON'T know!
It just came to mind okay..
Anyway Thats pretty much how i'm feeling..
realli confused.. AS u can tell by now.. sigh..
i wanna.. shoulda.. coulda...
but i won't... sigh.. wondering if i'm actually scared..?
Right.. this must sound like a LOt of blabbing..
but its MY blog and i will BLAB Alllll i want..!

Well that aside...
watched the whole of school 1 and 2 book out last night..
and i had to stay back to re-do my hand granade..
cuz i was sick the last time.. was pretty depressing to be honest..
seeing almost everyone leave.. but i got to book out at 3pm sat..
so it wasn't TOO bad... Pass Out Parade comin up soon..
strangly not too phsyced about it.. syspec here i come..
i think i can kiss my OCS place good bye..
but i'm not gonna complain.. can't change what i can't control..

Probably will stay over at zacks place tonight..
Do a lil drinking.. talking.. should be fun..
everything seems okay at home.. so basically..
everything seems pretty damn peaceful.. realli enjoying it..

Anyway.. shall end with lyrics from "100 years"..
its that five for fighting song.. if u haven't heard it..
u should.. haha..

'I'm 15 for a moment
Caught in between 10 and 20
And I'm just dreaming
Counting the ways to where you are
I'm 22 for a moment
She feels better than ever
And we're on fire
Making our way back from Mars '
Five For Fighting."100 years"

Saturday, May 22, 2004


Ugh~! Who'd thought it make me feel so uneasy.. haha
Need to get it out of my CHEAST~! *AHEM*...
oh the humiliation.. hahaha..
but i'll admit.. it was a real kick..
thanks for the present 3na..
u didn't have to.. and lemmie STRESS.. DIDN'T..
hahax... anyway i booked out of camp at 10am~!
and i booked in last night at 9.45pm..
basically i booked in to sleep.. sigh..
the army is pretty unreasonable..
heard all my buddies had a super slack day..
realli envious.. while i was bored and sick alone at home..

2 more weeks and one stage of my army life will be over...
seems pretty fast now that i look back..
then again it always does.. jc.. secondary.. holidays..
when you turn your head.. time seems shorter..
8 weeks of torture.. mental beatings.. physical tests..
suddenly don't seem so tough... but it WAS~!
life just does that to you..
everything thats over LOOKS easy..
But finishing all of this..
only to move on to the next level...
sigh.. will it never end..
damn i'm tired of the system...
there's gotta be a beter way....

"If I could find you now things would get better
We could leave this town and run forever
I know somewhere, somehow we'll be together
Let your waves crash down on me and take me away"
Yellowcard. Ocean Avenue

Thursday, May 20, 2004

That was Sick..~

okay.. so the title's not about sumthin wicked cool..
i Am actualli sick.. which i find pretty freaky..
had sit test for the last 3 days..
had high fever since the first night..
Head was hot... cold chills.. all that..
but didn't wanna sound off... its not a "macho" thing..
its just tt i didn't wanna fall out..
unfortunatly i got more pride than brains.. so it seems..
got scolded by the doctor and my mom when i got back..
sheesh.. but they are right.. could seriously hurt my body..
so took my temp this morning and it was a whopping 38.6 degrees..
never had such a high fever before.. and went to the medical officer..
didn't want to but he sent my ass home on the afternoon boat..
feel like crap that i have to miss all the training..
i feel so tainetd.. guilty.. i WANNA do GAC.. SOC.. IPPt..
man.. never thought i'd hear myself say that..
right.. so got 7 different kinds of medication..

right.. so lemmie explain.. haven't posted in like.. 2 Weeks..?
reason.. no time.. com's down at home.. feelin realli disconnected..
had field cap.. sit test.. granade assault course and live range..
the last 2 weeks.. pretty tiring..

Been on a emotional roller coaster recently..
the kind where.. its fun.. and then you.. feel sick..
and barf.. and hen its fun again... and then u wanna barf again..
fun barf .. fun barf.. and well~.. no further explaination needed *grin*
u get the idea.. not very GuD... haha
fact of the matter is that i'm pretty much just groping in the dark..
damn i suck at this.. i'm like fuckin confused..
don't realli know what to do about it.. sheesh
I wish i was one of those cassanovas..
they always seem to know whats going on..
AND they always get the hot girls.. *grin*
anyway.. medicine is making me realli drowsy.. thus this crappy post..
to anyone who reads my rambling.. take care..
i'm gonna go home and pass out on my bed..
gonna leave you with some meaningful lyrics..
Or well.. just a nice song.. u decide..
So as usual.. here they are

"Fumbling his confidence
And wondering why the world has passed him by
Hoping that he's bent for more than arguments
And failed attempts to fly, fly

We were meant to live for so much more
Have we lost ourselves?
Somewhere we live inside
Somewhere we live inside
We were meant to live for so much more
Have we lost ourselves?
Somewhere we live inside"

Switchfoot. Meant to live

Sunday, May 02, 2004

Where Do i Stand...?

Moved away from here.. but its like i never left..
Changed the way i live.. new name.. new place..
New faces.. New town.. but its all still the same..
I feel just like i'm home again.. Standing awkard in the crowd..

Where do i stand.. i keep asking myself..
and the truth of the matter is..
i don't know.. but don't get me wrong..
i'm neither at a destination nor lost..

Never been here before.. the paths looks so foreign..
i wish i did know what to do.. how 2 feel.. where to be..
but the game has changed.. so i lay down my cards..
cuz there is no game to play this time..
packing my backpack.. i'll choose a path to walk thats mine..

The light at the end of the tunnel, the finish line, my goal..
it cannot be reached by walking alone..
it cannot be played.. planned.. unfaithful or untrue..
that last leap for the end.. and i'll finally be with you..

The one chance i took not long ago.. memory still so clear..
we crushed it like paper in our hands.. the edges torn and sheared..
i wonder if u walked away.. forever giving up..
cuz i think i didn't.. picked up the pieces.. kept them in my heart..

So where do i stand..?
Only one thing's for sure.
Is that the answer is not clear..
But through the through and by the by...
u know that i'll be here..

definatly not one of my better poems.. fine..
i think its not good at all.. but it came from a weird place..
and i just needed to get out..
i'm just not made to write about love and self discovery i guess..
*grin*.. anyway..had a lil to drink last night..
head's feeling a lil hungover..
gonna get some coffee..

*hope u understand..

Saturday, May 01, 2004

Head in the Clouds

Lemmie see.. How am i gonna go about this.. right..
sorry.. u gotta gimmie a second.. to think about what to write..
its weird.. whenever i book out mentally i just kinda take a break..
THUS the title.. its so surreal.. its like.. my brain is all foggy..
much like waking up after having Wayyy... too much to drink..
my brain laggs about 2 seconds now.. *grin*

right.. lets see.. wow.. as usual.. the week at camp was pretty
stressful... training was tough.. can't expect any less from my platoon..
watched a flick last night.. jersey girl.. Its... okay.. haha.. not too bad..
yar anyway hung arnd town and met up with ken tris and sam...
so this is the USUAL stuff...

then i went home.. put on my headphones.. lay down..
and put on my cds one by one..
getting "HIgh" on Slashes Guitar solos in their "greatest hits cd"
and kinda reaching a Dark state listening to the Dreamtheatre cd..
letting my brain drone on i felt so..... relaxed...
dozed off to the sounds of iron maiden pounding in my ear..
that aside..

Woke up today asking myself so many questions...
sometimes i realli hate myself for doing that..
i think too much.. but not in a smart kinda way...
questions like...

"I wonder if i've ever been a good boyfriend..."
"i wonder if i'm gonna get to ocs..."
"has the army changed me that much..."

there are others but i can't remember.. mostly relationship stuff..
and at the rate my brain's been working it'll take me forever..
haha..anyway i'm pretty confused.. tired.. all that...
its crazy... its like... 4.30.. its the most energetic time of the day..
i'm just planning on buying some snacks.. going home..
turning on the tele and chilling.. how sad is that... haha

right.. got field camp for the next 7 days..
SO not looking forward 2 it.. but i think i'll be fine..

so let me end with something from Guns' N Roses today..
From their "use your Illusion album"

Guns' N Roses, Don't Cry
"Talk to me softly
There is something in your eyes
Don't hang your head in sorrow
And please don't cry
I know how you feel inside I've
I've been there before
Somethin is changin' inside you
And don't you know

Don't you cry tonight
I still love you baby
Don't you cry tonight
Don't you cry tonight
There's a heaven above you baby
And don't you cry tonight"

Oh Right.. took a weird personality quiz.. check it out

1. You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and
2. In the process of courtship, the approach that would make you
feel irresistable is straight-forward, just tell you he/she
loves you.
3. The impression you would like to give to your lover is stylish.
4. You don't like it when your partner is insecure.
5. The kind of relationship you would like to build with your
partner is one which make you feel warmth and in-love always.
6. You care about the society and morality, you won't do anything
wrong after marriage.
7. You think of marriage as a precious thing. Once you get married,
you'll treasure it and your partner very much.
8. At this moment, you don't have the thirst for love, you can't do
anything for it, you won't fall for it easily.

Think its pretty accurate.. haha well SOME parts
c u pple in a week or so..

Sunday, April 25, 2004


Birthdays... *Smile*..
friends.. laughs.. food.. good fun..
let me start of by thanking the guys..
tris.. sam and ken... for throwing me a pretty fun bash..

its weird.. i'm not like.. realli happy and all that..
but its just that feeling that.. yah
i feel appreciated.. and they went through this for me..

got to catch up with my pals..
ken.L, guao, tris, ken & sam..
got to drink a lil... shoot hoops.. skate...
hang out with the girls at chancery..
and i even escaped for some alone time..
just laid on the ground looked at the sky..
needed 2 get away from it all...
absolutly fantastic.. had a nice chat too..

sat down.. was thinking about...
army stuff.. my friends.. and my relationships...
its weird.. i'm so.. well.. zoned out about it now..
i feel like i'm just hanging around..
like a picture on the wall.. there but unnoticed..
i know it sounds realli well.. metaphorical..
but thats the best i could come up with..
an i DO feel that way..
maybe i let myself think about it too much..
for now i'll be a picture.. a nice one.. *grin*

thinking about... bookin in tmr...
have a crazy week coming up...
ippt on monday.. 4Km route march on tues..
soc on wed and thurs...*sigh*
i sure hope i can take it...
can't help but give all i got..

The hour grows late..
and i'm getting Weary..
( love it when i talk like this haha)
i need to rest up..
Pleasent dreams all..

*i wish u'd understand, i'm not sure how i feel right now.. i hate hurting pple i know.. i.. i wish i was the one..."

Sunday, April 18, 2004


Just watched movie trailers at tris's house...~
So many good shows i wanna catch... Hmmmx..

Spiderman 2 definatly.. its gonna RocK~!
Garfield the Movie.. looks Damn cute..*Ahem* i mean... nice
Dodgeball.. its got Ben Stiller.. should be pretty good..
White Chicks... Definatly a must watch.. looks fucking funny..!
Alien Vs Preadator.. trailer wasn't too good.. BUT loved the series.. so.. yah~
The SpongBob MOvie~.. okay.. i like the half hour episodes.. BUt the thing is..
One and a half hours of him.. hmmx.. i don't know if i can stand it.. haha
Shrek 2.. looks pretty funnt too... ahh...
Its looking like a good year for movies.. and me of course.. haha..

Anyway just skated... feels realli good..
was abit ticked.. and it made me skate more agressivly..
about to book into camp... actualli had some time...
drew abit.... i drew a pic of a skater for my lil bro..
he's not been home all weekend.. some leadership course..
i'm no artist.. but i think its not too bad..
hope he likes it la.. anyway.. gotta rush off..
back to the ole grind.. *grin*
see ya'll nex week..
*u make everything all right~~*
haha.. felt like singing..

Alright.. Just ONE big bottle of beer...
so.. i'm pretty proud of myself for not over drinking..
anyway.. it was good.. inside i felt abit screwed up..
needed to let it out.. so i chilled with the beer..
caught up on the stuff that's been going on..
came back.. eased off the anger... cursed and sweared..
so yah its better this way.. i feel better now..

anyway.. strangly.. i notice a trend with me..
which is that... as i grow up... i really get wiser..
not to boast.. but.. i've learned alot..
right wrong.. patience.. humility..
u may think otherwise by all means..
its just an observation...and well..
as much as i said i woulden't let the army change me..
it has.. as much as i hate to admit it...
i guess... in a way i'm much more firm in getting what i want..
but in a good way.. (if there is such a thing..)

i actually want results now.. espicially as a group..
i expect the same or greater effort put in as i do..
strange... i've been agressive before.. but not as much..
not that i'm aiming to be the best recruit or anything..
not by a long shot...
just that.. i guess.. i just want to push things...

probably shoulden't put this here..
but my lil bro is disappointing me...
i'm on the verge of letting loose on him...
but i need to take it easy..

Relationship problems..
what to do what to do..?
i'm just very tired of it i guess..

besides that i've got to go back and
deal with incompetient bunk mates...
had fun todae.. but i don't know..
guess i'm abit bummed now..
probably just tired.. wanna skate tmr..
going to knock off now..
can barely keep my eyes open..

*sigh* why must life be so stressful..
hopefully tmr is a good day before i book in...
time to catch up on loss sleep..

Train.When i look to the sky
"When it rains it pours and opens doors,
And floods the floors we thought would always keep us safe and dry.
And in the midst of sailing ships we sink our lips into the ones we love,
That have to say goodbye.

And as I float along this ocean,
I can feel you like a notion that won't seem to let me go.

Cause when I look to the sky something tells me you're here with me,
And you make everything alright.
And when I feel like I'm lost something tells me you're here with me,
And I can always find my way when you are here.

And every word I didn't say that caught up in some busy day,
And every dance on the kitchen floor we didn't dance before.
And every sunset that we'll miss I'll wrap them all up in a kiss,
And pick you up in all of this when I sail away.

Whether I am up or down or in or out or just plane overhead,
Instead it just feels like it is impossible to fly.
But with you I can spread my wings
to see me over everything that life may send me
When I am hoping it won't pass me by

And when I feel like there is no one that will ever know me
there you are to show me

Saturday, April 17, 2004

I don't know what 2 say..

okay.. the title is just random.. from the top of my head..
haven't blogged in awhile so bear with me...

i don't know what to say..
to do or think and feel..
i can't believe i'm going tru this patch...
espically for you..
i'm not on the same page of out book..
as you think that i should be..
i can't just stand and take all this...
we're different u and me..
i guess i'll stop with this facade...
let my mask slip to the floor..
no longer will i play these games..

Thursday, April 08, 2004

Learning to Fly..

Yay~! Omg i just booked out la..
Estatic barely encapsulates how i feel..
FREEDOM~! and listening to my fav songs...
not having to live with so many idiots of my bunk..
bobbing my head to the song... ah.. liberation...
for the first time in a week i'm not worried that
a sergent will call me or make me do push ups..
Like a freakin time clock waiting to go off..
mental peace..! Foo Fighters for ever~!

so here's the low down.. of all the companies..
i'm in jaguar.. which is FAMOUS( and i'm not kidding)
for its strict sergents and insane training...
not only that... i'm in platoon 3..
which HAPPENS to have the most fierce sergents of the 4 sections..
my god.. i did more push ups in a week
then i think i'd do in a freakin year...
i wake up at 5 freakin 30am.. sigh...
physically i can barely move my arms..
may have pulled a my muscles.. they are REALLY sore..
fucking 200+ push ups a dae..
instructors that scold the shit out of you..
but with our precision drill...
the other platoons need a freakin ladder
to be as high up as we are.. hahahax.. JAGUAR~!
Man tts Ns spirit for ya.. wad... we are a good company man...!

i miss so much..,
my freedom.. mental piece of mind...
my bed... waking up later.. my music.. oh god my music..
Hard fast heavy rock... its so good..
pusalting through my viens..
my friends... my loved ones..
u pple know who you are..
sam... tris.. zack.. my bro.. joe.. my family..

Going to drink a lil... loosen up.. Yes~!
still so psyched on being out...!
called sam and tris and ken 2 drink..
called sum frenx.. and stuff.. haha

But my love life is still troubling.. sigh...
confusing... wellx thats the way its supposed to
be right..? haha.. Anyway Right~! Beer~~~
i need beer... hahax.. i realli had a good time..
well now its 4.30.. gotta getsome shut eye...
nites pple..

Monday, March 29, 2004

okay.. this is like 3 posts in one.. well 2 posts and a cruddy poem..


Aiight... ever since this blog has started..
not too long ago.. i've posted a hell of alotta stuff.
Ups and Downs.. poems.. lyrics.. Songs.. u name it
and well i like it.. but as many of you know..
i'm enlisting for ns on wed... the 31st of march..

I've heard alot of stuff about ns recently..
and personally i think physically i'll be okay..
but man.. its gonna suck my freedom empty..
*sigh*.. so is the life of a HERO like myself..
GIVING my time so all the other lazy bastards can sleep safe..
damn.. i wanna be a lazy bastard.. hahax..

Gone will be the daes of lazing at home..
chilling with the fellas at 7-11..
throwing down sick tricks while skating..
Clubbing with my usual pals..
laffing it up with my close frenx...

BUT Ns will probably be cool.. and i can take a mental holidae..
thinking solider my ass.. u say jump and i say how high man..
so simply put.. fuck it... lets do this shit..
To everyone that comes here.. thanks.. appreciate it
tag the board & i'll get back to you..
If i feel like it.. hahax.. Wish me luck..

Aunt andrew(aunt aggy)

*sigh* i see so many friends with so many problems..
girl probs.. guy problems.. keeping up with studies..
family problems.. drinking .. smoking...
i think one realli big regret.. is that.. i want to..
but i can't help anymore.. not that i physically can't..
but i just wanna stop.. i hate breeding dependency..
i'm so sorry... everyone dun depend on me please..
i may sound like i know the answers but i don't..
i can't carry all of your pain..
i have my own problems to deal with..
i'll always be here guiding.. watching your backs..
but that's about all i can do now.. watch..
In the words of ozzy oursbourne..
"i love you all.. i love you more than life itself..
But ur all Fucking mad.."
haha.. alight.. please deal with ur problems..
for each fall helps us learn something new...
and don't crumble even if the weight of the world is on your shoulders..
remember that tmr is a new day..
and i ALWAYS check on my patients.. *grin*..

tell me... someone tell me..

Our lives once held such lusture and shine..
a flash.. and it was as if the world spun slower..
time seemed to stand still as it fell from our hands
against the Harsh and shattered in 2..
one half for me and the other.. for you
2 halves seperated.. leaving behind a cloud of dust..
it blinds your eyes so you don't know how 2 see..
it binds your heart so you don't know how 2 feel..
My half senses a deeper longing in you..
your mind screams.. but your lips can't say it..
Its just not the way u saw it would be..
but i've been wrong before.. and i don't trust myself..
and i made up my mind.. to find out for myself..
thats why 4 in the morning..
feeling ur presence that day.. felt warm..
i coulden't help but miss it.. Knowing that u never left..
So Close to being just memories in each others worlds.. ghosts..
Of all the times i've had the answer.. i wish i had it now..
Angels send me a sign upon ur wings..
This Dark Angel asks only for deliverance..
Shed Some light into My Abyss..
For the sacrament is you.

As for Tonight..
Sweet child of mine.. i do like you so..
So torn apart in 2 directions..
What am i to do with these feelings..?
but the time and place are just not to be..
To each our lives.. our roads my cross..
Where do we go.. from here on out..
step by step.. i have no doubt..
take my hand and walk by my side..
i know ur scared.. the same as me..
Feel your fears melt away..
For there is a light at the end of this tunnel..
and a prayer to answer all of our troubles..

Sunday, March 28, 2004

Its been too long...

Listening to my happy music... Foo Fighters "Learn to fly"..
loved their music since secondary.. and what a great song...
and a great way to end the day too.. *deep breath*..
Ahhh.... man that felt good...

I haven't felt so spent and happy in a long time..
Started with mom draggin my consiousless body out of bed for church..
8.30 mass man~! wad the hell..! i slept at 4.30 am..
wad ever happened to 10.oo mass~!*grinx*
anyway.. confession time... haven't been to mass in like 2 months..
And that Vibe i felt in church actualli felt really good today..
just Spending time with with mom and ken was nice..
altho.. they WERE mostly day dreaming..
ken was dozing off.. mom was looking out the window..
Strangest thing.. when we held hands before communion..
moms grip on my left hand was like a vice...
my fingers were actually turning purpleish...
and she didn't even notice till she saw my face grimicing in pain..
Guess she realli misses her soon to be army boy...
i stayed back in church after everyone left..
called in a few favours with the big guy up top... *grin*
talked to him about being sorry for making mistakes..
and i went to see dad's niche..
had a silent one on one moment with dad..
told him i'd be fine.. & that i'd try to make him proud..
i missed him pretty bad.. but.. didn't say anything..
didn't wanna cause a scene

We had lunch.. and me and ken went 2 starbucks for coffee after..
talked about girls.. skating.. and girls.. and skating.. haha..
i'm realli gonna miss him.. i guess.. more than he'll know..
then off 2 Spitfire.. we both bought new decks.. i REALLY needed one..
Been using the dynasty for like.. FOREVER.. still like it tho..
Anyway came home to skate the day away..~~
wan came over and he helped me work on some tricks..
my eternal gratitude.. inspiration to a great day of skating...
i managed a nollie 50-50.. fakie 50-50... heelflips.. kickflips..
noseslide to fakie... nosegrind.. 5-0.. nollie down stairs.. and a crappy tailslide..
i haven't pushed so hard since ever.. must be the new deck...*grin*

All this followed by a wholesome hearty family dinner of chilli crab..
hahax.. and i really stuffed myself.. hmmx..
and if a hungry man is an angry man then...~
no wonder i'm so happy..~!

However.. some issues still bounce in my head..
i've been telling myself not to "play" around anymore..
but as of late the opportunities keep popping up..
and i'd be lying if i said i wasn't tempted..
Guess old habits die hard huh...?
but.. i told the guys i woulden't anymore.. so..
u guys better be freakin greatful man..!
cuz it sucks~..
and well.. i read something.. and honestly..
i'm a lil stumped.. confused.. boggled..
whatever u wanna call it.. its not something sad.. per sae..
just that i'm not sure.. cuz i want to.. but.. well..
ALRIGHT...! i can honestly say that this~
is the most vague passage in blog... EVER~!
u can see how confused i am about this..

ANYWAY i've rattled on long enough... i need to think and
rest up... will miss EVERY single one when i go ns..

"Hold on..
feeling like i'm headed for a..
break down..
and i don't know why..

i'm not crazy i'm just a little unwell..
i know right now you can't tell..
but stay awhile and maybe then you'll see..
a different side of me.."

Call me reminescent.. but i do think about the past alot..
Sometimes.. too much for my own good..
not that nostailga is a bad thing..
but holding on to too many memories,
weighs heavily on lifes long journey..

Back to the title.. i kinda realised that.. strangly..
and this only applies to love intrests mind you..
but.. Sometimes i feel like a sade. Or a ghost..
Have you ever seen something so real u swear its there..
and a moment later it just fades into nothingness..

sometimes i feel all past love intrests start and end that way..
when i'm optimistic i realli give it my all..
but when things end or get messy..
i fade into obscurity.. into the darkness..
Slinking into a corner.. quiet as a mouse..
mostly without a goodbye or take care..
i guess.. in a way having me out of their lives..
makes things easier for them as well as me..
maybe i'm a bad person for deserting them..
Its just how i deal with getting hurt by this stuff..
the whole out of sight.. out of mind rule..
It saves me Some heartache..

Well not that much of this matters..
just a stupid observation..
with army coming up i tend to stone and think alot..
silly me..
Here are Some lyrics from a song i like..

"And loves light bloom,
Lead me be you.
Through all the emptiness that had become my home.
And love's life cruel,
Introduced me with you.
And at that moment I knew I was out of hope.

Heal me,
I begged and love said no.
Leave me,
for dead and let me go.
Kill me,
I cried and love said no.
Kill me,
I cried and love said no."
H.I.M."And love said no"

Saturday, March 27, 2004

Buried alive by Love By H.i.m

"Again the burden of losing rests upon my shoulders.
And its weight seems unbearable.
Your tomb is where your heart is,
I should have told her
But within me hid a secret so terrible.

To cry is to know that you're alive.
But my river of tears has run dry.
I never wanted to fool you, no
But a cold heart is a dead heart,
And it feels like I've been buried alive by love.

If I should die before I wake,
Pray no one my soul to take.
If I wake before I die,
Rescue me with your smile"

omg.. fucking good song.. Love metal..~! \m/
a must listen.. yah in my opinion anyway.. well just for anyone who feels like it la..
eh.. not tt this has anything to do with the 'thing' haha..
i'm realli getting over it.. tired of giving a fuck.. trying to let it pass.. and realised tt..
that.. i no longer want.. *grin* serously.. i'm numbed about it all..
Love just ain't my thing.. i'm a player.. always have been..
blasted my ears out with H-I-M todae at hmv..
then over 2 skate park.. suprise suprise...
youth park stage was full of cj jc1's.. and several familiar jc3's too..
well.. if anything.. Life feels good listening to goth love metal..
i think.. its very much ... me.. under my skin..

Friday, March 26, 2004

Kindred spirits linger near..
Darkness feeds off all your fears..
Faithless kind as we may be..
In the shadows we can't be seen..

With flesh so cold you'd think it ice..
we're not like you.. its no suprise..
We sift through life.. like sades or ghosts..
leaching from unsuspecting hosts..

Thursday, March 25, 2004

Lets go...

Harsh words... i've heard alot since like.. yah..
pple who msg.. talk.. blog.. all of it..
and i'm gonna give due credit.. first let me say thanks..
by no means will i be ungreatful.. efforts and opinions duely noted..

One asked so many questions.. all to which...
i cannot give right answers.. u may think that i am stupid..
but let me assure you if u do.. then u are gravely mistaken..
u may be right.. i don't deserve her.. i don't stand out..
i'm only 18 & i don't know love.. i'm not good enough..
and of course there ARE people more qualified than me..
are you saying we should all fall for the greatest crudentials..?
Disregarding our feelings.. surely not..?
if not i should marry some girls diploma someday..

but lets turn the tables.. chill a sec.. lets play..
i'll throw out a question... does anyone know love..?
Hello..~? only an echo.. He who says yes is probably a fool..
will someone please pass me the dictionary?
so we can check the defination..? but does it matter..?
point taken..?

when will i come 2 my senses.. in due time.. in due time..
u are not in my shoes.. please don't pretend to understand
how i feel and what i should do.. no man has that right but me..
and to assume comes from a place of pure arrogance and anger..
maybe i struck a nerve.. if so step off my boots..
and start cleaning yours..

on a different note.. understand that i AM getting over it..
and that in NO way do i feel she owes me anything..
do i expect things to work out ever..? no.. i know better..
BUT should i not be hurt or upset while working tru it.. ?
if you didn't feel such on your turn.. and u are a bigger man than i am..
but personally.. i seriously doubt it..

*grin*.. do you get it..? if u got more to say i'm here ALL day..
its okay if cat got your tongue.. i'd be shocked too..
and lastly..? i'm not ur brother.. if anything..
i distant.. real distant cousin..

Sorry if i'm harsh.. i'm NOrmally nice.. *Grin*

Wednesday, March 24, 2004

Stay in shadow by Finger 11

So cold that you cannot cope
With a frozen heart
I guess we blow apart
I guessed it from the start
Stay in shadow
I’ll run this world out
Stay in shadow
It’s running out of time
Stay in shadow
I want to watch it drown
Stay in this now

Don’t say because you can’t
Say what we should have been
Don’t show what I resent
Don’t know cause I forget

So cruel to be so blind
Darkness was on my side
Now that you’ve come and gone
I know where I belong

Light is leaving as I watch you go
Light is leaving inside of my soul

stacie orrico. i promise
Will I always be there for you?
When you need someone, Will I be that one you need?
Will I do all my best to, to protect you?
When the tears get near your eyes
Will I be the one that's by your side?
Will I be there when you call me in the middle of the night?
Will I keep the rain from falling down into your life?
I promise, I promise
I promise I will

Will I take tender care of you?
Take your darkest night and make it bright for you
Will I be there to make you strong and to lean on?
When this world has turned so cold
Will I be the one that's there to hold?

Will I be there when you call me in the middle of the night?
Will I keep the rain from falling down into your life?
I promise, I promise
I promise I will

contrasting isn't it...
How do i say this.. Orrico is so poppy..
but the lyrics are well..good in a sense as in how i'm feeling..
like confused.. longing.. empty.. all that..
and Eleven.. man..
the sound,energy,anger,tension,fustration.. the deep rooted anguish
all of it.. have you ever.. felt so torn apart in 2 ways...
my dark pulling away from my white..
doing whats right or giving in to the darkness..
fine.. this may sound so overused.. out of some good and evil fairy tale..
i miss the power and haterd of being dark..
in retrospect.. i am so fucked.. *grin*..
life's a bitch... and then you die.. sweet rest to all..
pray that i may never wake.. So god above my soul to take..
For in this twlight hour of night.. the outside world thus sheds but no light..
Shadows dance upon the walls.. at this time when darkness falls..