It must be hard, fuck, it must be so hard. When all you want to do is fall to the floor on your knees and break down. Cover your eyes and curse the world and what it stole from you. It must be hard. Faces walk past with tears uncontrollably streaming, eyes glazed over. With each passerby, I feel my heart being pulled further and further to the ground, all leading up to the point where we embrace and I feel your sorrow. As you sob into my shoulder, I try to find the words to say, but they don't mean nearly as much as simply silently letting you share your angst and pain. All the questions begin to flood in, the "Ifs-and-buts" and "what-ifs" and "if-onlys", till all you want, all you really want is for the ranting to stop. It must be hard, and I'm so sorry.

I gaze outward through the falling pitter patter of raindrops,
clear as day as they slide down my window pane. I always
thought that rain was the heavens way of giving the earth a
shower. So things can be clean and new, refreshed and nourished.
Its more than just great weather to sleep in to. Its upliftingly beautiful.

My word for the year, no, for the decade is "resolve". Along with my bunch of things like, being present to the things around me and earnestly intending for having things I want to have happen, happen. Just some of the things I do if you don't already know. Its a mental thing.. :)

The more and more I think about it, the more it grows on me. It's a strong word that invokes commitment, steadfastness and an almost unrivaled confidence. Saying it out loud in the manner, "I resolve to.....", it could be feed my monkey, or score straight A's, bake a pineapple upside-down cake, just conjures the personal commitment from oneself and puts it out there.

So there it is, a word I love to make me do the things I normally don't want to. :) Peace!

Memories memories bring me back as I mentally gnaw and slowly tear apart the imagery. What did I really expect from the encounter? A heartfelt reunion or a Korean drama sequence? Clear to see that fate has drawn the lines of our lives not to run together, and so it shall not. What am I looking to see? I suppose acknowledgment. Of a time and moment. And I can do without closure, but it would have been nice to talk.

I really need to learn to not put things aside so much anymore, it is really the time to grab the bull by the horns, so to speak. I never explicitly said it, but my new years resolution is to be more assertive and to be in better physical condition.

Which means..... doing the things I have to do instead of spending so much time on the computer and lazing in front of the tele, and doing my regular exercise. I COULD cut down on the drinking as well... but.. Nahhhh...

So I've gotta look at updating my CV, and hitting the gym more often. Going for regular runs and all that Hu-ka jazz hokie pokie malarkey. I just need to be more disciplined. Spanking anyone..? ;)

What... don't give me that look... I said be more assertive and fit, not be less cheeky.