I CAN't SmilE...

I said it.. I've tried.. seriously..! i mean not that i'm sad or anything ...
you know those people who just smile and look absolutly gorgeous..
i can't smile and look ERm... Nice.. Yah.. i can't do the whole..
"show your Pearlie Whites" thing.. Hmmm.. HOw distressful..
I'm like a (MONA ANDREW).. you know.. the type thats..
lip smiling.. or frowning.. um.. yeah.. ambiguity..

Smiles... they are probably overrated~ anyway~ *tantrum*
i'm like a clown.. sad on the inside but with a big painted SMILE..
ugh.. just the thought IRKS me.. Or didn't you know..
i have clown phobia..

ah well.. i'm okay without the smiles.. it is strange though..
Hmmm.. alright then, what a strange post..

Good Night~

mMmmmm..

Just got back from a job interview... and its looking good..
$65 x 6 days a week.. its alright.. anyway oprah is on Tv..
Theme.. "he's just not that INTO you"..
Its like a realtionship Guide..
the things men do with Courtship.. and its really HITS me..
its really strange.. some of the things i do..
this guy on the show with oprah is really selling me out..
Haha.. everything i do and the reason.. consious OR sub consious..

Men love it when women live a fun competitive life..
it enhances OUR live..
men DON't always feel the need to be together..
Time we spend is Always special..
MOST men will do anything to avoid confrontation.. ie. make you happy..
but we shouldn't be.. its what a relationship is about..
men love it when women Are confident with their bodies and themselves..
we are trying to be too..
don't be afraid to come up to us with anything..
we wanna know about you..

damn.. its like the stuff on oprah always makes me feel like scum..
hahaha.. anyway i'm setting up some new priorities..

1) exercise more.. i've been meaning to do more running and
my regular workouts.. friends have said i've lost weight.. i do
feel weaker than i used to be.. i need to eat better and more
regularly.. Play yoga music.." My body is my temple...!" Ohm...
i had a dream where i had a tummy.. and i freaked out..! ugh..
its the right thing to do..

2) I'm gonna be more of a go getter.. its time to grasp what
i want.. i'll make the things i want happen to me.. FOR me..
hey why the hell NoT..

3)Less Drinking.. when i see beers or shots.. i just let go..
its one of those things i just don't restraint.. well.. no more..
i need to.. its GOTTA be killing my liver..

4) i'll put off my driving.. for now.. just cuz i don't wanna focus on it..
and i don't need it.. i'll do GREAT in uni.. be more goal orientated..
work harder.. take things more seriously

well.. now that i know what i want..
i must make it happen.. nice long journey ahead..

My House..

Boy sits in his room..

pieces are shrewn across the floor..
pieces of building block..

its time to rebuild a house..
but boy has seen the flaws in his earilier construction...
time to sit down and re map.. think boy.. think..
maybe a backyard pool for you and duckie to wade in..
a sturdier base.. the heavier blocks will do just fine..
big family room for mommy and daddy..
a study room for daddy and a BIG closet for mommy..
and a dog house for rupert..

never compromising his vison..

boy's blue crayon glides across his art bloc..
realising his dreams in this world only limited by his mind..
the possibility infinate..

Its FINISHED.. boy sits back and admires his work gleefully..
sighing a breath of relief.. but wait.. things are missing..
he sits back again.. hand scratches his head..
smiles and keeps his crayons.. he can add them later..
before he leaves.. he Titles in bold black..
"MY HOUSE"



Dear all.. this is a short poem come story i wrote.. i hope you grasp the sub text..
its about infinity.. about life.. work.. studying.. relationships.. that everything..
EVERYTHING.. can be yours.. if you are as ambitious and far sighted as.. boy..
its cute... you can really see miricles in young children..
i hope you too build a house of your own.. love..

BOY

it hurts.. so badly.. i couldn't even keep myself together on the train ride..
the lady next to me raised her eyebrows when i teared..
but it like my heart squeezes when i remember my world revolved around you..


i.. i feel so lost.. she was everything i wanted.. pushed me to be all i could be..
and now there's a giant hole where she used to be..

and all i want is to be with you.. i'd work out anything..
I'm scared.. this was the one... and i blew it..

time to cry myself to sleep..
i really don't wanna wake up..
and face another day of this..

fuck damnit.. i just wanna yank my heart out arteries and all..
toss it out and curse it for seeing..

Anthem of our daying day..

"The stars will cry
The blackest tears tonight
And this is the moment that I live for
I can smell the ocean air
And here I am
Pouring my heart onto these rooftops
Just a ghost to the world
That's exactly
Exactly what I need

From up here the city lights burn
Like a thousand miles of fire
And I'm here to sing this anthem
Of our dying day

For a second I wish the tide
Would swallow every inch of this city
As you gasp for air tonight
I'd scream this song right in your face
If you were here

I won't miss a beat
Cause I never
Never have before"



Me and trina are no more.. !
i just thought that if u were interested enough to read my blog..
that you should know of this relevation..
i guess.. i'm not gonna be all shy or coat my words with meanings
using metaphors and smiles at any attempt to make this sound smarter than it really is..
this is gonna be a real post.. nothing more.. = )

f.y.i... erm.. i'm holding up okay actually.. it happened about an hour ago..
nice talk over the phone.. no shuoting or stuff.. clean and simple..
it hurts a lil.. i ain't denying it.. at the risk of looking whimpy..
BUT here's the thing~ if it DIDN't hurt.. THEn we'ed have a real problem..
so i figure its okay.. c",)

i just hope the pain doesn't all come down on me at once like an atomic bomb..
God that would hurt..! 1 thousand pounds of emotional wreck on lil ole me..
haha.. my fingers are trembling as i type this.. prolly a subconcious reaction to the
magnitude of it all.. The human body is a miricle eh..
its slowly easing in the pain.. kinda like adrenaline..

PLease do not sms me and send me condolences.. i RE-peat.. Don't..
i hate to be patrionised and i don't want pity..

i need my friends..
i love you all.. if you read this means you care enough..
or ur here by accident.. hahaha..




My God.. even after a breakup i'm still so full of Bullshit...
eh.. whatever..





making you smile was all i ever wanted..
it was worth living for.. and dying for.. = )