Its been awhile since i had an all night game..
mom's asleep on the couch..
remote control in hand..
i hear the cars zooming along the highway

I just checked baby's blog..
and i was so afraid i might see something i wouldn't like..
she's been feeling terrible..
with her exam stress, i totally understand..
and i spent today worring about her..
i couldn't focus at work.. lost my temper at a collegue..
even during my game.. i played decent..
but my heart wasen't there at all..
running all my ideas of what i did wrong..
or how she's feeling race around my mind..

last night she was having a breakdown..
and i brushed it off with a remark.. i thought i was being encouraging..
she was really hurt..
I was too harsh.. and i take responsibility for that..
sometimes i think i've been out of school so long i forgot what its like..

i need to be responsible for others listening..
sigh i keep forgeting..
I'm sorry sweetheart.. it was mean of me..
i know you felt scared that you had a paper
you felt that since you had no control over the outcome..
that your efforts didn't matter.. that you didn't matter..
but you do.. you matter to me and your family and your friends..
You may think you are worthless.. but let me tell you..
we certianly don't..
Hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me..


life can be really complicated..
the more educated we get..
the more we have to make meaning of words..
ideas concepts principals..
I am right.. u are wrong.. this is how it should be.. and what not..
we feel that by having a stand..
we are grounded.. we MEAN something..
Some people spend their whole lives in search of the truth..
the answers to the meaning of life.. the holy grail.. love ..
whatever your muse..

and the answer to the meaning of life..?
cookies and milk... yup..
a mustard seed.. freedom..
the sparkle of a childs eyes..
peace.. its whatever you want it to be..
when you are creation.. truth is what you say it is..
love is what you say it is.. and life is..
what you say it is..

i have work tomorrow at 5..
i'd better get some shut eye..

Sunday Morning.. 0730 hours.. Captian's log..
Just for your information guys..
i'm bartending already~! Woot~~..
Like everything i'll be objective about it..
everything has its pros and cons..
i miss walking the floor.. talking with pple..
now thats really fun..
but the bar gets so hectic sometimes.. with orders left and right..
and i love that moment of chaos.. fantastic..
as usual.. on my short walks home..
i get inspired by stuff and get clarity in different areas of my life..

Todays post is about inspiration..
this is a strange one..
today i was inspired to do things real quick and finish work chop chop..
cuz i was craving cookies and milk.. which i had on my walk home..
don't know what came over me..
but i was reminded of the times in brunei...
the MOTHAF&!@#$ dense jungle and reduced rations..
my 32 km route march in sispec..
oh the blisters and chaffing..
and the shitty times in army..
and there were ALOT of shitty times...
Times when i would have given up..

This is where i wanna thank my Dearest girlfriend..
TRINA SWEE PING ZHI..!
u have been more of an inspiration to me than you'll ever know..
and i hope that i can be that for you too.. whenever you need me..

Lost and found..

the pressure is mounting as you look in the mirror..
there is no one else.. ur alone..
and scared of what tomorrow may bring..

A forcefull fist shatters, the fragments fall to the ground..
each piece catches your eye as it falls..
each a second of life come and gone..

warmth trickles along your palm..
as you raise it to your eyes to wipe the tears..
and the world shrinks to your room..


I miss writing poems like this.. dark and gloomy..
Suicide notes and butterfly kisses indeed..
its the edgy gothic andrew i'm so confortable with..
but in actual fact.. i'm not gloomy or dark anymore..
i just tuned into who i wanted to be..

i'm really glad.. contented.. = )
sweetie is finishing her exams soon..!
work is fun.. having a blast..
and i have my health.. hahaha..

Smack Dab...

MOrning everyone..
had a long day at work but strangly i can't get to sleep..
i revalation hit me just now on my walk back from work..
its about realtionships.. now i love trina very much..
Sweetie don't over think anything i say k..?
these just happen to be perspectives that ran past me.. <3
and anyone else who might take away something insightful?
ur more than welcome to..

i've always thought of myself as a great boyfriend..
the type who would literally do anything to MAKE IT work..
change myself.. talk.. be more of this or less of that..
here is revalation number one..
Choose to have it work or not work.. powerfully..
what would be if it does work..?
is it a bad thing that i doesn't work..?
Failing in a realtioship doesn't make you a bad boyfriend OR girlfriend..
its just what YOU want.. and again.. choose powerfully..
questions like.. are you really happy..? can you be yourself..?
can you love him/her for who they really are..?
it could be as simple as choosing powerfully..
not based on fear or lonelyness or failure..

number two.. who are you with your partner..?
i realise when i'm with trina..
i'm alot more serious.. more practical.. and strangly cautious..
i try to be supportive and i'm focused as a person..
now question.. is that who i really am..?
does she make me act this way..?
hell NO! not at all but i choose to be like this..
this is where i goofed..
who do you let yourself be in front of the one you love..
i'm silly.. charming.. directed.. relaxed..
and i don't show it to her.. my bad.. = )
so... who are you with that someone..?

remember.. not to love someone for who they will be or
what you want them to be..
but really.. for who they are..

that Iz all.. thank you ladies and gents..
i think i finally feel that sleepy bug coming on..
Lots of love.. ME~!

Morning all~~!

I just got back from work.. its about... 6.30Am..
and todat being rouge's 3rd annaversary..
the floor staff got to drink when customers offered..
Man.. i had so muhc martell and chivas its not funny..
and smirnoff and long island tea too.. ugh...
i have to do an important song and dance audition tomorrow..
and to be honest.. i had to enter my password 3 times to enter blogger..
so sad right..? sigh all my regulars ask me to drink..
lim beh buah sai.. lim jiu wo ai buay tahan.. lim beh kana nah kong.. (hokkien)
one guy had me finish a glass of martell and a Teensie bit of green tea.. omg..
super had sia..drinking water now to sober up.. shit.. the stuff i get myself into..

well i'm gonna stay up and practice my dance routine till the audition tomorrow at 830am..
for those of you who think i have it easy..
i'm about to smack you over the head..

anyways lotsa love..
and a happy sunday for all of you..
its off to the showers for me..